Dean or Grant?

Are you attracted to the Dean or the Grant? Do you want he bad boy or the gentleman?

James Dean's Rebel Without a Cause made him into the icon of his generation. His character defiantly rejected the values of his elders while desperately aching to “belong” and attempting to find a purpose in life. Dean's performance spoke on behalf of disenchanted, disenfranchised teenagers and gave them a hero they could respect and admire. Dean only lived long enough to complete three films, the latter being East of Eden, Giant, all in the two years of 1955-56. His premature death in a car crash at the age of 24 cemented his legendary status. So, is it better to burn out then fade away?

Cary Grant was known for his combination of virility, sexuality and the stand-up gentleman. He had invented a man-of-the-world persona. Although, he appeared in 72 films in his lifetime he is best remembered for An Affair to Remember, To Catch a Thief and North by Northwest. He retired from film at 62 and he lived to be 82 years old. Once told by an interviewer, "Everybody would like to be Cary Grant," Grant is said to have replied, "So would I." So, a gentleman lives longer than the rebel but has a more persistent and somewhat boring life?

Why are most women attracted to the unstable bad boys more often than the nice guys? Mystery, uncertainty, adventure? But it is a double edged sword since you also want to eventually settle down. Some women think they can tame the wild or fix the broken...give it up and move on. You want crazy you can get it but don't try to kill the very thing that attracted you in the first place. You are never going to change us. You be you and let us be us...nice guy or bad boy...we are who we are.

Women like the wild side that their parents warned them against. No one wants boring. If a woman labels you a, “nice guy,” you can throw away your chance of ever being anything more than her friend because she is not attracted to you. You don’t want to be a nice guy. Nice guys are stuck in the “friend zone” category. As a nice guy you may have a lot of women friends. That is fine if that is all you want. However, if you can balance the good with the bad you can get anywhere.

Just like the majority, men want a lady in life and a wildcat behind closed doors. Similarly, most women like the gentleman in public and the bad boy in private.

The chain smoking life of the party womanizing drunk is always going to be that. The polite, stable, financially secure, play it safe and do it all by the books man will always be that. We are a direct product of where we came from and our parents molded us in the way they wanted us to be. It is hard to shake and break the mold.

There are plenty of Deans and Grants for all of you women out there, but choose wisely. The older you get the shorter the return policy.

So, my advice to you women is to STOP caring. Don't always make yourself available. Most people want what they can’t have. The good guys will have to take initiative and break out a little or he won't. The bad boy will have to take you seriously and show respect or he won't. You can't change people but you can change your reaction to them. You can also show respect for yourself and demand what you want. Whether you are a Betty or Veronica or a Ginger or Maryanne, or whether you are attracted to the Dean or the Grant…none of us truly fit a single stereotype. The best thing you can do is be yourself and put out there what you want to get back. Communicate = reciprocate. If not, delete.

By Trey Mitchell

R 'n'R

Excess ain't rebellion.

You're drinking what they're selling.

Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.

Your chaos won't convert them.

They're so happy to rebuild it.

You'll never really kill it.

Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.

You're drinking what they're selling.

Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle

Cake

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll go together like America, apple pie and baseball. The latter obviously seems more wholesome. Since the beginning of the ‘devil’s music’ the extreme has been a conglomerate of all things that heighten the senses and take you to another level of consciousness and sometimes unconsciousness. RnR is a lifestyle as much as it can be a cocktail of disaster. It defines living on the edge.

Rock ‘n’ roll fuels the industry of fashion, delivers a broad range of unique attitudes and sparks its own language. Of course, the music, sex and drugs create a lifestyle that is hard to ignore. Hard-drinking and hard-living are usually synonymous in the lifestyle. Musicians have always attracted "groupies" which seems to be a perk of fame. They spend most of their time with and often do sexual favors for band members. What guy wouldn't want that right? They are usually chasing the same high of being on stage as they do when off stage. Who wants to be normal when they can be a rock star 24/7?

Groupies have a self-appointed job description of being 'available' to celebrities, pop stars, rock stars, politicians and other public figures. Nancy Spungen (Sid & Nancy), Cynthia Plaster Caster and Pamela Des Barres (of the GTO’s), in particular are probably the best known rock n roll groupies. Another type of groupie was the young girls who dominated the backstage scene in the seventies. The best known were Sable Star, Lori Maddox and Geraldine Edwards, who was the inspiration for Penny Lane in Almost Famous.

Whether you are more like Janis Joplin or Jim Morrison losing your religion can mean losing everything. In reality, there is no such thing as money for nothing and chicks for free. We are all selling as well as buying. It is simple supply and demand and there is plenty of bad that feels so good. However, the law of average dictates that if we do anything long enough we can fall victim to it. When the drugs are not working anymore, you have no idea if the sex you had the night before was good or not and your creativity has evaporated, it might be time to get a new mirror and hope you can see more clearly. Everything we do has consequences. We all make mistakes but we should only regret the ones we do not learn from. Is it really better to burn out than fade away?

What do you want? I want Rock ‘n’ Roll!

By Trey Mitchell

DRAMARAMA

There are people of all ages seem to incite mayhem. Some do it on purpose and others unintentionally. For others, life without it would be boring. No matter if you're in high school or in your 60's or whether you live in Laguna Beach or at Melrose Place, in real life the drama must go!

Don’t be stupid

I know it is hard to imagine but don't assume anything. Hearsay is gossip. Do you remember the exercise from grade school that demonstrated miscommunication? You started on one side of the room with a simple phrase and each person had to repeat it to the next and in the end it was nothing like it began. He-said she-said equals nothing without facts. Go straight to the source before you get upset that you heard that your ex cheated on you with your sister's ex while they were away on vacation and happened to run into each other while drunk at an amusement park, singing Barry Manilow songs to some pigeons. Think before you act.

Reaction distraction

This just perpetuates the non-existent issue at hand. When you react without thinking things through, emotions run the brain. Logical thinking is not emotional thinking. Suddenly you are wrapped up in the momentum of the drama because you did not stop and think when you had the chance. Guess what -knows-where and past any point of return. Why jump off the bridge before looking to see what you are jumping into or walk blindfolded into traffic? Just blame the messenger nothing at this point is your fault.

Act like an adult

There is a logical reason for everything if you choose to take the time to let the fog clear. Treat people the way you want to be treated. You get back the energy and attitude you put out there. Maturity does not just mean working and taking care of bills, it also means respecting yourself as well as others.

Mind over matter

Some things are easier said than done. The heart and the mind often conflict one another. The heart may heal but the mind does not always forget. Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. The immediate pain is easier to deal with than long term pain. Sometimes letting go of a feeling is freeing. So what if Julie called you a bitch. Anger usually comes from hurt. You can't control other's actions but you can control your reaction to them. Take the high road and enjoy the view. It is always better than looking from the bottom up.

As you were

Life goes on. The majority of drama occurs over things that really don't make much of a difference in the long run. What may seem like a monumental issue at the time later seems just silly. The longer you live and the more you experience the less the trivial things matter. Your first heartbreak usually makes you feel like dying and the end of the world. However, the more you date, love and lose, the more you realize that what is next is more important than what was.

Sometimes I like a good drama or even dramedy on the silver screen. It can be attractive and glamorous from afar but in real life it is just a waste of time and energy.

By Trey Mitchell

The Next Chapter

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.

Let’s face it love can be painful but it doesn't have to be. I have been both the heartbreaker and the heart broken more times than I can count. If you care about the person at all neither way is a joy ride. I know how hard it is to not love someone that loves you and how painful it is to love someone that doesn't love you.

I recently had a friend tell me 'take your own advice'. So I went back and read through much of my writing. I had lost clarity of the very things that I shared and encouraged in others. Sometimes the teacher must become the student. I am constantly giving others advice because it is easier to analyze other people's lives than my own. I write as a form of self therapy and often I let my thoughts vanish as soon as they hit the page. It is never too late to hold the mirror to yourself and take time to improve yourself since we all have room for improvement. We are lucky if we have someone else willing to help us.

We should always do things with the best of intentions and not for selfish reasons because when we expect things in return we set ourselves up for disappointment. It is selfish so if you want to always get something back then do things for yourself. It is easy to be selfish and prideful and let our own wants and needs stand in the way of accepting the efforts of another. It is never easy to admit when we are wrong but we mistakes on a daily basis.

We can allow society to glamorize love but in reality a relationship takes effort, communication and trust. I don't care how 'easy' any relationship seems, it takes work. Once you get past the newness or honeymoon phase it is a daily task to feed love's hunger.

No matter how much you love someone if they do not meet you halfway, then you are both unfulfilled. We all deserve love but we must not deny ourselves the happiness we are due if the other is not willing to give back.

It is important to maintain your own life so that when you break up you don't have to split up or choose friends. If you just fold into someone else's life and put all of your eggs in one basket you could lose them all. You can share most everything but you must keep something for yourself whether it is a set of friends or a hobby. You can't disappear into the life of another.

Love is euphoric so when it is gone you go through withdrawals as if you quit a drug cold turkey. A buddy of mine mentioned recently how strange it is that we had known each other for 11 years and that when he and his girlfriend of a year broke up, he did not know how to even get through a day without her. When someone is so ingrained in your life then suddenly it is a desolate feeling.

All relationships take work even the new or easy ones. The engine of a car is like the heart and communication is the oil of the engine. Without communication the engine will get too hot too fast and burn up. Then you have a car without a heart.

Breakups are emotional and if you really love someone then it takes time and space for the rational thoughts to kick in. How, when or why we get to the point of the break up is irrelevant but what we do afterwards is just as important. There is usually a 'misery' phase, an 'anger' phase, a 'what could I have done differently' phase, the 'missing' phase and lastly the 'move on and heal' phase.

No matter how much pain you are in it is not acceptable to hurt back. If it is the only way to get a reaction it is wrong and unhealthy. You can't make anyone do, say or feel what you want. One can only be to you what they allow and you can neither demand nor expect more. You can be the most important thing in someone’s life but not the only thing. No matter how diligent you are when a relationship ends it is almost impossible to remain close right away. You must learn every day life without each other. You learn to be without or you realize it is worth fighting for. Either way, there is no point in one person missing out when you can possibly both have your needs meet by another.

Understand the pain you feel will not go away until you process it or block it out and return to it later. It will still be there. If you bounce from one relationship to another without emptying the drain it will begin to overflow. So vent, talk, cry, rant, scream, sit in silence and think about why you are hurt. Listen to music, write, paint, read, exercise, whatever it takes to get the processing over with. Be leery of distractions versus processing though. You can hide, mask skip over, rationalize the pain but it will be there until you deal with it.

You must get though the road block of pain to begin healing time will heal lean on friends and family. It is like mourning a death of a loved one, as it is a death of its own. If you never imagined them being gone, missing, absent from your life...then yes it is like a death.

You may hide in your room and mourn for a while, you have beat yourself up or have a pity party but eventually you must get back out and integrate yourself into life. Most of us have been in a car wreck but even if it takes time, we drive again.

Losing everything allows you to see clearly that you have nothing to lose.

By Trey Mitchell

Deal?

Women want to be swept off their feet, wined and dined but real life is not a romance novel. When the 'honeymoon' phase is over reality sets in. Sometimes you only see when you want to see at first. I am who I am and what you see is what you get. I know I go against the majority but I feel you have to earn my trust, time and efforts. Don’t get me wrong, I don't think I am special and I am not a snob, although I am picky. I just think that you should invest and give more over time and not put on a show to impress. I do not care what you or anyone else thinks. I am ok with me, and if you don't like me, than let us not waste our time. Life is short and to spend it pretending to be someone you are not, it is a waste of time. If you want financial stability do it for yourself. I take care of me. I will give you everything I have if you meet me half way but don't expect me to give until your lofty expectations have been satisfied. I would not waste my time, money or energy if I did not care. So if I do, it is for real and I will go the distance. I will even go as far to let you go to find something better if I am not it for you. I want people to be happy and I will not stand in the way of that even to my own detriment. So walk on me and walk on. Love me and I will love back. Ignore me and you do not exist. If you stand on the mound, I will not only step up to the plate but also take a swing. If I give and you give back, it is a good damn start. I am not shallow, superficial or selfish. If I am not good enough for you so save us a lot of time and money and just say so .I will admit when I am wrong but you can't always be right. I am not going to say or doing anything unless I mean it. Is that too much ask of someone else? Don't manipulate me, use me for your own gain, lie to me, tell me to be something I am not, try to change me, or anything else selfish or degrading. How would you like to be treated in that manner? Don’t tell me to change for anyone else and if you do then how about you change for me. Do not tell me how creative, talented, how I have a good heart, how I am a catch. Tell me you love me and that you are not only in until something better comes along. I am not grass so there is always something greener. I am not your father, brother, therapist, counselor or caretaker. I am, not my car, my job, my house or my bank account. I have feelings and I express them, if you are not interested or have nothing to say, and then find someone else. I am heart, soul and hope. Don’t kiss my ass because I am no better than and do not put me down because you have problems too. I am tired of trying and want things to be easy and new. Let’s both check our luggage at the door, strip naked and talk. If something happens cool, if not cool too. I will not apologize for my feelings or how my past made me who I am. I will not blame my family, my religion or my ex. I have lived, I have faced adversity and I have survived. I do not deserve a medal or sympathy. I am here and I am not going anywhere.

by Trey Mitchell

I fell with you when you fell into me

To be alone, truly alone and keep your heart to yourself can be the most difficult, yet most rewarding thing you can ever do. Being alone and being lonely aren't equivalent, nor are they mutually exclusive. Sometimes the heart races faster and the brain lags behind struggling to catch up. When a relationship ends the healthiest thing to do is to take the time to heal and reflect. To jump into another is a pitfall. You cannot move on if you carry along any part of the unresolved past. No matter if you are aware or not, you always do carry something with you. The heart can heal quickly but the mind has a longer memory.

Sometimes working on a relationship is too difficult and starting a new one seems easier. Even if you choose the latter every relationship takes work. The beginning of every new relationship is always exciting and euphoric but to have the ability to love does not mean you should easily share it. People should earn your love along with respect. It usually feels perfect at first, like it is just 'meant to be'. That is usually when the heart falls as the brain freezes. You must set healthy boundaries to keep the relationship on a healthy course and at a healthy pace.

We all just want to be loved, yet eventually you must deal with reality and this can take longer for some than others. From the start it is easy to see only good and we can be blinded to red flags. When we do see these flags we often think the person will change or that we can change them. This is an illusion. People rarely change the way you want them to or in the time you wish. Compromise is when two people make mutual decisions not when one wants the other to change. When one wants change and the other does not abide, this causes wounded feelings.

When someone has moved on before the relationship is over, which most often occurs, both people become unhappy trying to make something fit, or they are simply scared to be alone or hurt the other’s feelings. When one party finally breeches the subject the other can feel everything from shock, disappointment, regret, hurt, sadness, anger, and so on. No one wants to be rejected and the initial letdown can send your emotions into a tailspin. It is an emotional situation and even in the end communication is key. Pain comes from not getting what you want. Take it slow so the mind can steer the heart and the pain in a rational manner. If you give everything and the other does not meet you half way then it is not worth it; if they won't or they can't meet your desires then you cannot make someone do so. When we were young we had less experience so we threw our heart with reckless abandon and no concept of reactions or consequences. That first heartbreak can feel like the end of the world. That feeling of disappointment never gets easier emotionally, however, our brain learns how to better deal with the results of our efforts.

Don’t let someone else set the pace of your relationship. If you are always there for them it sets a precedent. It is okay if you have a busy job, kids or social life and are not always available. This way you can weed out the ones that do not have the patience. On the other hand, there are times you do not respond quickly then it can make someone feel neglected or pushed away. There is something appealing about wanting. If you always get what you want, when you want, you can take it for granted. The deeper you get into a relationship the more taxing it can become to get out. The slower you go the easier it is to more clearly see things. It is like driving somewhere then going back and walking it. You see more details than when you were speeding by with your eyes focused on the road ahead.

You would think that dating and love become easier but it does not. There are even more variables as we get older as well as we are stubborn and set in our ways. People grown along side each other or they apart. 'The Missing Piece Meets the Big O' by Shell Silverstein, states we must be whole to be in a healthy relationship. You can neither fill your hole with what is missing nor give yourself away leaving a hole. The idea is to be whole and find someone that is also whole. Relationships are built on friendship and maintained by communication.

If you are the type of person that does not communicate well, it is difficult to have a healthy relationship. If you bottle your thoughts and emotions you might blow up when overwhelmed. If you are the type to keep things inside your head and write a letter because that is easier than talking directly to them, then don't expect an immediate response. It took you awhile to get your thoughts down on paper and it also takes someone time to digest and respond when hit with so much at once.

Relationships end in many different ways. When one moves on right away, they often try to soften the blow by telling you how ‘wonderful’ you and that you ‘deserve’ better and that ‘you will find someone’, and usually it is sincere. Of course, it hurts to hear that because it can make you feel like you were not good enough. It is also very difficult to remain close friends right away because you need someone to talk to about how you are dealing with the change. Remaining friends is not always easy to do because it can cause sadness, regret and guilt. You tend to run through all the things in your mind you wish you could have done differently. Life is full of could have, should have and would haves.

We all have our purpose in each other's lives. The hard part is accepting that role even if it is not the role we want.

by Trey Mitchell

Get Smart

I made a comment to a friend recently that either I have commitment issues or I date women that do. Maybe if I dated women that had commitment issues when I had them as well, then we would both get what we wanted, which is nothing. You can't make someone love you and vice-versa and timing becomes more of an issue the older you get. You can't give what you do not have and you can't depend on someone else to fill in what you are missing. If you are unhappy with yourself take the time to find it for yourself, within yourself. Unhappiness can be contagious since misery loves company. To vent is one thing but to project is another. It is easier to be pulled down than to lift someone up. A life preserver is designed for only one person. Relationships should be an open smooth concrete two-way highway not a rough dirt one lane winding mountain road.

There are so many variables when is comes to dating and the longer we are out there roaming, the heavier the baggage feels. It is like living in one place for a long time and it is not until you move that you realize how much useless stuff you have accumulated. You are lucky if you find someone that truly accepts you along with all of your faults. When you are with someone you must accept all that comes with them whether it is a child or a dog or an ex-husband or ex-wife. As well, it is always said you don't just date them but you date their family. That includes every trait or fault you inherit. I once heard someone say that in your current relationship you must deal with everything that the person they dated before you screwed up. To some degree I concur, since we are a product of our past. That includes insecurities and triggers of past sadness or happiness. Each previous relationship is like a car wreck whether a fender bender or your car was totaled. Otherwise, you would not have moved on. Most of the time we face our fears and climb back into a car and drive again. We might drive with more caution but we still do it. If you fall and hurt yourself do you never try to walk again? I always say it is like looking for your keys and finding them in the last place you looked. Why would you keep looking for them if you already found them? The grass is infinitely greener.

We all have scars but not all are visible. They remain for a reason and I believe it is to remind us that we survived. There is something endearing, triumphant and heroic about survivors. Those that overcome adversity have a strength that others do not possess. Prior to hardship most of us do not even know we have that in us since, it has not been utilized before. I have an attraction to those that have suffered yet risen from being a victim and take pride in being a survivor. Usually those people have a desire to share their stories so that others learn from their mistakes. After all, we can learn from others' mistakes so that we do not make the same. Some will argue that we must all make our own mistakes and I will not argue with that but we can also avoid some by learning from others. At the same time, I only think that we have regrets if we do not learn from those mistakes. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately, we are often left with questions and not all questions can or must be answered. Sometimes we must find closure for ourselves and not depend on others to provide for us.

Change is difficult when we are not in control of it. So I always strive for minor changes, so that when those that come along that are out of my control I can be better prepared to deal with them. At the same time we each must remain responsible for our actions and understand that our actions affect those around us. Hopefully we learn to have the foresight to be respectful of those in our lives, especially the ones closest to us. What you put out there is what you get back. People respond to how you feel about yourself. If you respect yourself others will notice. Respect from others is earned and not handed out for free. It comes to those that are deserving of it. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. You do not need a mirror to know who you are. All it takes is time with yourself, not by yourself. It is empowering to possess the ability to stand on your own. Often we hide from ourselves in people and things around us. It is easy to be distracted to avoid dealing with some things but when we do face them we can confidence and self-worth.

We are born unbiased and non-judgmental. Unfortunately these are learned behaviors. It is often stated that we enter the world the same way we leave it and coming or going, we have nothing. In the end all we have is our relationships and experiences. Make sure those closest to you know how you feel about them. Do not take any relationship for granted. Make every word and action count. We have no idea how many lives we affect on a daily basis. Seize the day, savor the moment and revel in the possibilities. When you are gone, what is the one thing you want to be remembered for?

- Trey Mitchell