Stupid Crazy

Women are crazy and men are stupid. Italians make the best lovers, gay men are all whores, all black men cheat and Brazilian woman are the most beautiful in the world. Now that we have some stereotypes out of the way let's talk about some truths.

As a whole, women are more of an emotional rollercoaster due to monthly hormonal cycles and if they are pregnant the ride is even more intense. Men are less emotional and more reserved with their feelings as we hide them as some badge of strength. We are at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum so it is understandable that we view the opposite sex as almost alien.

So, if one of us has to be labeled then the other must accept the label as well. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard one call the other out and neither deny the other’s stereotype. After all, it is only fair that we share.

Common sense tells us that these are extreme generalizations of the opposite sex. Men can be crazy in our own way and women can be stupid as well. The bottom line is that we express ourselves in very different ways. We must learn to bridge the gap between emotional outpouring and emotional absence. We may be stupid when we do not listen and you may be crazy when you are irrational.

There are far too many advertisements (Pizza Hut, AT&T, Whiskas, Sony), books (She's Come Undone by Wally lamb, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen, songs ('Crazy Bitch' by Buckcherry) and television/movies ('Two and a Half Men', 'Fatal Attraction', 'Single White Female' and most reality shows) that feed into these blind labels. We need more realistic and honest demonstrations of communication and understanding. Women tend to think out loud as where we tend to internalize. Women must take the time to ask questions and we must take the time to not just hear but listen. Usually women tell us what they want and at times we expect them to be mind-readers.

Life is full of choices and we can either accept things or change them. If you care about someone and they constantly hear that they are stupid or crazy, after a while you start to believe it as true. Do not reinforce negativity and defend them and their right to express themselves as they wish. We must take the time to learn when, what, how and why and to communication transparently is the only way.

Would you rather be stupid or crazy?

by Trey Mitchell

Sex by Number

We know men are promiscuous by nature. It’s part of the genetic makeup that originally helped men spread their seed. It was different for women, who had to go through having a baby and then nurturing it. Women are genetically programmed to want just one man to help raise their children.

Thus, the age old question always seems to arise at some point in most modern relationships: ‘How many partners have you had?’

So with this question in mind I researched to find the average number of sexual partners for men and women. The first statistic and most commonly found on the Internet states that the average number of sexual partners for men in USA is 11. Upon further research I found contradicting information.

A 2005 survey states the average number of sexual partners for women was 8.6. The average number for men was 31.9.

A 2007 survey states that 29 percent of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more men.

In a 2008 survey 21 percent of the men and 15 percent of the women admitted they had lied and/or they had provided an inaccurate partner count.

So how can any of these surveys possibly reflect true average numbers?

At one point I actually found a calculator to tell you if you are over or under average in your respected sexual numbers: http://www.calculatorslive.com/Average-Number-Of-Sexual-Partners-Calculator.aspx

So do men lie to inflate their sexual reputations or do women lie to downplay their sexual experience?

A man may believe that he should have a lot of partners and may feel compelled to exaggerate. However, a woman, believing that she should have fewer partners, may minimize her past.

Women are said to rely more on enumeration and most often are able to list each of their past partners by name which typically leads to underestimating while men tend to be more vague which leads to exaggeration.

So with all of this in mind, does the number of sexual partners have any bearing on a current relationship?

In my opinion nothing good can come of this discussion. The past can cloud the future so why ruin a mostly sunny forecast?

It is the snowball effect. First you compare numbers, and then you open the door for more curiosity on every level. More and more questions come to mind and suddenly insecurities arise. The past may be the pathway that lead to where you are now but the now is more relevant to the future.

Sex is not a competition. You neither win nor lose with a higher or lower number of partners. It never worked out with anyone you were previously with or you would still be with them. Focus on the one you are with and develop, explore, experiment and revel in every moment. There is no point in missing what you already had when you might be missing out on what you have right now.

No matter what the number, if you count backwards you still reach number one. That is who you are with now and who doesn’t want to be number one!?

by Trey Mitchell

Defining Moments

I don't think you can put an expiration date on a label-free relationship or even a milestone like a 'Seven Year Itch' or 'DTR90' (define the relationship at 90 days). Each relationship occurs at a different rate. There are many variables: coming out of a long term relationship, just got divorced, deciding to focus on career or kids or even loss a spouse to death, etc. As well, new relationships accelerate at different speeds. If you spend a lot of time with someone or take your time and see them very little in the beginning, it sets the pace to get to a defining point.

I think there are more important factors other than time that should create the defining moment:

- When the four letter word ‘love’ is first uttered from either person’s lips things change.

- If you are having sex with more than one partner it is important to have ‘the talk’.

- If there are kids in the mix the conversation might need to take place sooner since it concerns more than just the two of you.

- If you are looking for a serious relationship even before the two of you meet it is a good idea to make sure you are on the same page.

- If you know that fun is the main goal and the last thing you want or have time for is a relationship, speak up.


Even though these top the list of reasons to define your relationship with or without a cliché filled timeline, there are those that have no interest in definitions. Unfortunately these are usually due to hidden reasons:

- They are seeing someone else and don’t want to commit to one person, or will choose one over the other when the time comes.

- It could be complicated and when you have yet to find closure and the idea of a new beginning is too much to handle.

- They are overprotective of their heart due to past hurt whether it was recent or the result of many attempts leading to bitterness and disappointment.

- Sometimes there is the tendency to believe the grass is always greener and have expectations too high.

- They might be in it for the chase and when you fully give in they no longer find it enough to hold their interest.

No matter how, when or if you define a relationship there is a natural instinct to have security by knowing where you stand. Actions do not always tell us what we what to know. You can mislead others or be misled by actions and even words. However, at some point communication on a need to know basis is imperative to sustain a healthy relationship. At some point 'in or out' is important so you can get on with your life either together or separately.

by Trey Mitchell

HER: I'm single and sad. :(

me: sorry. but the show must go on!

HER: Yep! But, the show is going on without me!

me: boo....ah, such is life...relationships are not easy...nor do i think they get easier the older you get...ups and downs...right people wrong time and wrong people right time. it is ok to do stupid things IN love but not FOR love.

HER: I just hate change. I get used to people and routines and ways of life. I get too attached, and my identity gets involved. Good line.

me: i think we all do that to a degree. some more than others. some more often than others

HER: Definitely some more than others. I don't do it often though, so when I do -- it's baaaad.

me: well, thanks, i hope i pull some good ones out of my ass since i call myself a writer. i got ya...i used to be like that...id don't fall often but when i do it is long and hard i have commitment issues either way...too much or not enough. balance is the key.

HER: I just don't know if it's even worth it. Is my sadness right now more than my happiness when I was happy? I think it might be. To me, that's not worth it. I'd rather just not feel anything again...I am always WAY too committed when I decide to be.

me: ok, i call BS and it is understandable right now...but if you have a wreck do you never drive again? if you get too drunk do you never drink again? if your heart gets hurt do you never love again? i think you do, we all do. it is a never-ending search, it is the american way. the american dream.

HER: You're right. I just hate going from having a best friend that knows every move I make and everything that's going on in my life to not being able to contact that person at all. Why does it have to be like that? I'm still the same person; so is he. So why are we so different TODAY rather than 2 days ago???? I mean, I know the answer but it's just so sad to me...

me: you can, but it keeps the hurt going longer and it complicates everything.

HER: He was the one that I talked to when things were going shitty; now he's the one person I simply CAN'T talk to.

me: i have done it many times....way more difficult but diff people deal with loss in diff ways

HER: I hope this situation turns out favorable. I'm not sure what I mean by that exactly, but that's what I'm praying for!

me: lovers come and go but friends are forever...ok, family is forever but many friends, real friends will always be there. never put all your eggs in one basket...always keep a few for emergencies.

HER: Absolutely. They remind me where my bootstraps are when I need to pick myself back up by 'em! My eggs are all stuck together, I think. They all go together from one basket to another. Very frustrating!

me: just keep the two six-packs instead of the entire dozen.

HER: Hahaha!! Very well said. :)

me: eggs are only stuck together if they are scrambled maybe go for poached next time or even better a single sunny side up!

HER: Speaking of sunny, what a MISERABLE day to be feeling so sorry for myself! God, it's just so symbolic

me: no, just coincidence...it is all about perspective. i thought about this last night...if i could describe my outlook…or attitude it would be mostly sunny, light wind, H70 L45.

HER: I just hope the last time I had with him isn't the last time I'll have with him. It is such a painful thought.... the "never again" this or the "never again" that.... torture. My high would be 85 I think. Low of probably 60. I'm pretty cold-natured.

me: the best thing you can do for yourself is as a friend recently said to me...be a peacock show your colors, strut, stand tall proud and confident. it will be more attractive.

HER: Yep! And just totally fake the hell out of it! I like it!!!

me: be a true friend without expectations or judgment, show your ability to not need but want. we often are more attracted to the chase.

HER: Definitely without expectations. A lesson well-learned through the friendships of my years, but one that I learned to never take personally.

me: the challenge. also, men have a hard time settling down...routine is boring. easy is lame. we need constant stimulation. Change.

HER: You are a wise man. Things didn't go down the way I wanted them to with this particular person -- the way I had envisioned -- and I'm not used to failing. I simply do not fail. Therefore the challenge is/has been presented, and I took it hook, line and sinker.

me: you did not fail. takes two to tango. don't take it personally. sometimes things just don't work out and there is no one to blame. blame is lame anyway. bounce back woman. it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.

HER: I actually am consumed with the thought that he will NEVER be able to replace me. I'm a pretty fucking cool chick.

me: and that is ok. better that than playing the loser, the victim or the failure. anyway, you get back what you put out there. positive attracts the same as well as negative attracts the same. be positive. live positive. life is too short to whine or wallow. when you can scream with joy and swim like a champion.

HER: That's me! A champion! If you could see me now, I look like a champ! Yeah right!!!

me: :) one day at a time....and remember, it could always be worse....waaaaaay worse. many of us lucky to have the chance to do anything other than just survive. we have the chance to thrive. have a great day!

HER: You fail at trying to be a hard-ass; you're an awesome person. Haha -- I know your secret. ;) Thanks.

Psychic

While I was home for my mother's birthday we watched What Women Want , a romantic comedy starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt. I know I am behind on my watching of chick flicks. In this particular case I am about ten years behind. It is not that I dislike films that seem to cater more towards woman than men; it is more that I do not seek out this kind of film. It is not like when football season is over I spend those free nights at Blockbuster or loading up my Netflix queue debating whether or not I am more in the mood for The Notebook or Pretty Woman . I am not opposed to them; I watch them when I have a girlfriend. It is purely situational. Actually I usually find something I like about them.

"He has the power to hear everything women are thinking. Finally... a man is listening." - IMDB.com

I began to ponder on this ridiculous idea and wondered if things would be better or worse if this was in any way a realistic achievement. If suddenly men listened and understood women, would it not throw off the balance of relationships everywhere? Wouldn't it be like removing insects and throwing the entire ecosystem into a tailspin? Maybe it would also be like removing politicians from government. In all of these scenarios I predict complete chaos.

So let us think for a minute about the other side of the coin. Maybe this would be a good thing and 'efficiency' would become common in relationships. Maybe the next time a group of guys gathered over cards and beer they would say things like, "Well, she isn't the most attractive woman I have been with, but we have an efficient relationship." And possibly an adequate response would be, "Damn, I wish Kim and I could be like that. It takes forever to get anything done when we are together."

Isn't the best part of meeting someone getting to know him or her? If you heard every thought they had, would you still ask questions or even be interested at all? I would find it interesting at first then I would be bored to tears as if watching the weather channel on repeat. In the movie, Mel's character doesn't have the power to use the "gift' when he wants to or not. If I had no control, I would lose my mind. I would be constantly infiltrated by the thoughts of those around me. It would force me to be a recluse.

I think the 'gift' actually exists in all of us and is earned by taking the time to listen to those close to you. If you connect with someone mentally then you have the ability to connect with them on any emotional, spiritual and sexual level.

The stereotype that men don’t understand women and that they are detached emotionally, is just that - a general and vague assessment of men as a whole. No matter what kind of man you are, you have the ability to understand women if you choose to. You do not have to be a mind reader to know what she is thinking or feeling. Watch, listen and learn - and you too can know what women want.

by Trey Mitchell

The Reclining of Civilization

This is a journey of one man's probe into the death of traditional dating and the erection of the new and improved Internet dating scene.


How it all started:

John: are you going to movie night tomorrow?

Me: I am taking tomorrow off...a dinner tonight then movie, bed and sleeping in!

John: nice! dinner date? sorry, I forgot her name?

Me: no, my old group of friends from kickboxing gym.

John: yeah I know how that goes. i'm really enjoying the freedom of being single.. and by freedom I mean just chilling and doing whatever.

Me: yeah...I gotcha...I have done that for the last 4 yrs...I wouldn't mind some female companionship.

John: the last 3 serious relationships i've had were on there I just wasn't ready for them. lol.

Me: really? I have never done that...kinda freaks me out.

John: yeah man. its actually really good. just be honest in the text part. and let someone else choose your photos. how do you think I met Sara, Emily and Denise? except Emily and me never dated. actually met almost a dozen girls off there. and this time of year is the best time to join. lots of hot girls for some reason.

Me: hmm...maybe I could approach it as an experiment...and write about it...the only way I might be able to respect myself.

John: ha ha ha ok whatever makes you feel better. get a girlfriend to pick your photos though and don't expect much out of the first 3 weeks. but you have to be active on there.. make the first move and stuff.

Me: ugh...seriously, freaks me out...what if someone I know sees it!?

John: no biggie. you can call them out cause they have to have a membership to see you too!

Me: sounds like so much work...

John: dating is man. its fun though. I consider it shopping, not dating. ha ha.

Me: it kinda is. I see it that way too...not sure women see it so black n white.

John: worked for me, I actually got a few friends with benefits from it too.

Me: hmm. oh, another thing...how much does this cost a month?

John: it depends on how long you choose. I usually do the 3 months, its like 19.95 each month.

Me: ok, after new years...I will try Match if you come over one night and help me out. maybe invite Kerry or Allison over too, for the female perspective. I am not good at selling myself...or writing about myself.

John: yeah we can definitely do that. Kerry would LOVE to help. lol.

Me: ha...I will ask her when she gets back from the holidays.

John: have plenty of photos ready.

Me: already plenty on facebook, ready to go.

John: k

So then I contacted Allison:

Me: favor. so john convinced me to do the Match thing....you know how I feel about this...so I want to do it for writing purposes. so I need help. you and john as advisors...to set up whatever it is.

Allison: what?? you are going on Match?

Me: well, I was considering doing it...but I would need a male and female perspective.

Allison: sorry you! haha, ok. I can help. you know who else is on it...Zeke.

Me: I cannot sell myself.... and you know how uncomfortable the idea makes me feel.

Allison: I know I know, and it’s all about the profile blurb (from a girls perspective)

Me: I hate that people will know and did you talk him into it? see, I need your help. well, john said he would help too so lemme know when you might have time and we can meet up at my place and have a drink and get it launched.

Allison: LOL! you are too funny. "launch" like we are doing a whole website or somethin...

Me: it is a social experiment for me to write on. take someone that said never and do it...and go for it.

Allison: ok, that sounds good...I will make a suggestion for now though...write down some of your passions/hobbies/interests that you'd want someone to know about you and write down 5 things you want from a girl...and 5 things you think you have to offer...and write down one little paragraph blurb that counts as your "background" i.e., you grew up in xyz, moved to xyz, went to xyz school, etc.

Me: great, nothing to offer. no real career. no money. just an average dude. ugh..hate this already!!!!

Allison: TREY

Me: I feel like my mom just yelled at me!

Allison: I mean...you are funny, a deep thinker, trustworthy to the bone, a great communicator.... those are things I mean by what you OFFER in terms of the RELATIONSHIP...and I did just yell at you : )

Me: I need to vomit.

Allison: What!!! you are crackin me up!

Me: really...I am going to write a classified ad...for sale...awkward way to meet a man...

Allison: how is it that someone is such an introspective, thoughtful, insightful person...and can’t write a little one-pager on themselves?

Me: why can I not get work? I can't sell myself. I need a photo rep. and a cave.

Allison: well you COULD approach your whole profile from a very funny unique and creative way...not really talk about yourself...or talk about yourself but be totally fictional in an obvious but funny way. I have read those before.

Me: might be easier...I will get drunk by myself, watch a chick flick, eat a gallon of ice cream and attempt to write something on poster board in bubble letters.

Allison: hahahahahahaha. ooh goodness! did u ever do one of those 25 random things about me blogs on FB? you could potentially just post pictures, and then say refer to your FB page for more info?

Me: I think I have my start to my article...social Internet anxiety yes...was my 1st FB piece.

Allison: well use your 25 things then!

Me: oh...that would save me...if anyone cared they can get to know anything about me there...and there is a lot there. in every section I will post my FB link!

Allison: LOL! I am not sure you can do an actual link, but you can point them that direction in a way that Match won't remove. and you don’t HAVE to fill out every section. I skipped a lot, bc my profile got too long, no guy is gonna read that much. ok, running to lunch.

Me: k. let's meet next week for the 'launch'!

Ok, let's pause here. Since you might be thinking, "Oh how boring and unoriginal. Another boy makes bet with boy, boy meets girl, girl learns truth, girl dumps boy, boy tries to win girl back story."

Well, your guess is as good as mine since this is a true story being written as it happens.

John, Allison and I decided to meet the next week. So I tried to sit down and do the homework Allison assigned me. First of all, it is not easily explained what I want in a woman. It is much easier to express what I do not want, which is mostly what I have had. However, I finally narrowed it down. Next I tried to write the five things I have to offer and this was much more difficult. Besides creative I could only think of the same five things I want in a woman. I guess I want a much more attractive female version of me. I decided to wait on input from my Match advisors. For a writer it is always a painful experience trying to sell myself. This is one of the many reasons I don't think a social dating site is normal. All this initial info I put out there but one of the best things about meeting people is getting to know them. I think we are just as likely to overlook someone who offers their life on paper as much as by chance not meeting them.

This is all I could come up with on my first attempt without help.

Five things I want in a woman:

open-minded, physically active, witty, easy-going, good communication skills

Five things I think I have to offer a woman:

creative, (who am I!?)

My background:

I grew up in Louisiana, went to college for five years leaving with two BFA's and moved to Nashville and have been here since.

I emailed Allison my progress.

Allison: Well that's a great start! you know, it's not considered bragging to write down a little about how you see yourself in the relationship. What would an ex-gf say about you? How you make her feel xyz or that you were really good about doing/expressing xyz. She loved when you did? Or that you were so xyz. Describe your personality or describe your relationship skills. You can also add some dislikes to your girl list-pet peeves.

Me: yeah, like a playboy centerfold, 'I don't like mean people', etc

So the next step was to figure out how to describe myself. I emailed about ten women friends and asked them how they would describe me to another woman. Since the way you perceive yourself is different from others I emailed close friends as well as new ones. I received a lot of responses. Some made me laugh and others perplexed me. It is interesting how different people see you through their eyes. Obviously, I could not use all of them and would not want to use most of them.

The good, the bad and the ugly:

a man of many talents

a man that longs to be loved and in love, but refuses to let love in

a real friend

always on the go

artistic

can be an old man sometimes

caring

cerebral

commitment phobe

creative

cute

different enough not to be weird

easily adaptable in situations

easy to talk to

encouraging

experienced turmoil but overcome it

fears rejection and failure

fun

funny that comes out when you least expect it

genuine

good body

good listener

good looking

good sense of humor

good taste in music

great conversationalist

great grasp on relationships

great insight into the human spirit

hard-won character

has savior complex

has slept with a lot of women

has unworthy complex

helpful with others

honest

instinctive

intelligent

Jewish

kind

knows everybody

loving

man of many words

man that has a caring heart

man that sees into the detail of things and situations

moody

not afraid of a beer and a party

on the rocker side

overall stellar man

pleasant to talk to

quick to smile

scared to be happy

Scared to not be needed

scared to succeed

seasoned in experience but young at heart

sentimental

shies away compliments

slightly anal

smart

somewhat cynical

somewhat spontaneous and can sometimes do the unexpected

straight shooter

supportive

tells stories so funny I could pee myself

thoughtful

thoughtfully selects words

too frightened to open up

understanding

very accommodating

very cool guy

witty



I emailed John and Allison a few of the bad and funny ones.

John: Those are all over the place!

Allison: THAT is hilarious! I don't think you should include "has slept with a lot of women" LOL! May be a little too honest there. "slightly anal" hahaha, goodness. I'm guessing you pissed off some of these women?

Me: Ha, nah. I'm not going to use these but I thought there were funny ones!

I blame my fear of resumes and forms on being creative. I was always terrible at standardized tests in school. I am better with the formats of an IQ test, and I get higher scores too. So when it comes to creating a profile it seems so flat.

I am much better in person; you don't know me unless you hang out with me. Reading my writing or seeing my photography might give a glimpse but I have many sides. I am boring and seem lame on paper. I have to choose photos of myself for this too. I am not good with being photographed. There is a reason I am on the other side of the lens and at home writing alone. I look bad in photos so I always try to look goofy and silly while having fun. I just can't take myself seriously in photos.

I will need to find a creative way to express myself in the confining formats of online dating information. The more I learn about this the more work and effort it seems one must put into this. There must certainly be an art and formula to this but so far it seems forced and manipulated.

Due to conflicting schedules Allison, John and I were unable to meet this week so we tried to progress the process via email. I asked Allison to suggest some of my photos off my Facebook page. She did so and I asked why she chose these particular images. In her response she gave valid and understandable reasons for her choices.

Allison: well I like the one where you are half naked, for obvious reasons. hey, we all wanna get an idea of the goods.

you are outdoorsy - so include some of where you are doing those activities, with friends

I like the kickball one too - shows you 1) have friends 2) do activities

the rest are good face shots I think. I don’t like when someone posts just shots where the smile is the same in every one. its good to see all the angles to get a real idea of what they look like. plus you look like your goofy/fun and you are. I'd also include some of your cool photography work! since you'll probably say something about that in the body of your profile.

Me: Ok...sooo many photos but I get the idea. when I pick them I will send to you to ok! thanks for your help!

So I set out to find images of myself that met the criteria. Thanks to the digital age I have more images of family, friends and myself than I have time to go through. I have dedicated tonight to find the perfect shots to fill the bill. As a photographer I know how difficult it is to choose images of yourself to put out there for other people to judge you by before they even meet you. I will be emailing my choices to be approved by Allison. Wish me luck.

I narrowed my choices down to fifteen photos keeping in mind the criteria Allison set up for me. In the meantime John has been sending me other online dating links. When a service is free I call it questionable. I think paying eliminates the less truthful and serious contenders. Also, how many of these can one join and maintain without spending too much time and effort. I mean, it is starting to sound like some guys who can't regulate the use of their home video games.

I am a skeptic. I don't believe in ghosts or miracles. I have never personally seen evidence to prove that ghosts exist and I have been to haunted houses with both still and video cameras. By definition a miracle is something that cannot be explained scientifically. So I am challenging Match to prove its hype.

Ok, I did it. I tried to log on to Match.com to browse and I feel like I got railroaded into joining. It all happened so fast. I committed to three months, which was $60. I am now a reluctant member. The actual process was fast and easy especially since I was prepared with photos, a description of me and what I was looking for.

Now I was ready to jump into the pool of potentials, but I had problems finding the diving board. I finally found a ladder, which was not nearly as exciting. I was very honest when filling in my search criteria and the sad results were that only six women matched and none of them I found attractive in the least. I tweaked my search information for over an hour and finally out of about eighty-five results I saw one woman that I found both attractive and interesting. Only one.

I was frustrated that being honest I found nothing out there. I was even more frustrated that I had to allow what I really wanted to be morphed into what seemed like a desperate and lonely old man grasping for straws while choking on his heart medication staring at a nearly empty glass of water.

After expressing my frustration to John he assumed that you have to give it more than a month and to lower my expectations and to stretch my horizons. By that he meant lower the age in searching. I reduced the age by one year and suddenly over eight hundred women met my loose criteria. So then I stripped away the fat and still wound up with only about seventy-five potentials. Unfortunately, I still only found about five who were mildly attractive or interesting to me.

I broke down and emailed the original one who caught my eye. Much to my surprise she returned my email the next day. She seemed to have a good sense of humor, which is always high on my lists of must haves. Since then we have hardly communicated. I find it hard to keep conversation with someone that you don't know. I quickly exhausted the few things we had in common.

Then there are the 'winks' and other simple features that I just don't get similar to the 'pokes' on social networking sites. Really, is this what dating has come to a series of winks, pokes, nudges, etc!? I felt like a boy again on the playground at recess watching another boy pull a girl's hair, insult her and run away as she is left crying. Ah, the beginning of the wild and unexplained flirting behavior. Is it me or am I discovering that my instincts to reject this method of dating are being quickly founded with overwhelming evidence?

Then there is online dating etiquette. What do you do when a woman contacts you and you have no interest in them? No one wants to be rejected, even if it is easier to do via technology. Is there an automated reply like you can set up on your work email? "I would like to thank you for your interest. However, due to the heavy amount of email traffic a response will be delayed." or "Thank you very much for contacting me but I have no interest in pursuing this opportunity." Seriously, what do you say? So you choose to say nothing.

Then there is the scam. I received my first questionable email yesterday. A limited profile was set up with a message stating that she was not a member but to text her if I was interested. I emailed Karl since I recently found out he was on Match to get his advice. That afternoon as I read his response I logged in to see the questionable email again. Ha, I was right! It must have been a scam. The profile no longer existed.

Now a week later, not much has changed. I am getting interest from women around my age but honestly I do not look, act or have the same interests as most women my age. I am single with no kids and very active physically and socially. Most women my age are nothing like me. I have different goals and interests as a whole. Maybe I should lie about my age. It is only a number right? So often people are surprised at my age, in a good way. I want to find cool, fun, active women to share my interests and life with. I am not into settling down and giving up on life. I don't think you have to change for someone else, you find someone more like you.

Two weeks in and I have decided Match serves a personals version of Monster.com or CareerBuilder.com and the like. It is like an online resume for you. You upload your 'resume' and the potential 'employers' peruse at their leisure. You might get a bite or two but to land an interview in a flailing 'job' market is harder than it sounds.

Week three and I am not optimistic. Auto daily matches and manual searches seem to find maybe one a week I might find interesting. I am in no rush to get old, fat and boring. My age seems to attract women that should be in my age bracket but few women my age are of my mindset and lifestyle. I feel like most people have a plan and follow it. Women that I can relate to are a little younger. They are usually more carefree and less rigid in their game plan of life. Why do people work so hard to save to live life by their own rules when they are too old to really live by then? I feel like I am shopping for carpet but all the showroom will show me are small 4"x4" samples. I am much better in person. How can you display your sample of yourself in a manner that is really a fair representation of the whole you? Then again, why would you? One of the best parts of a relationship is getting to know the person. It reminds me of graduating from college and having a hard time landing a job when you don't have experience. That damn Catch 22!

I am five weeks in now and have made little progress. I have been wondering what to do if someone contacts you that you are not interested in. So far I have just not responded. However I recently received a no thank you return email from someone that I had emailed that I was interested in. I read an automatic response as if it was from a business contact I had emailed and they were out of the office. Also, I have been slightly tweaking my profile. They offer tips for this as well as for a first email to someone. Most of their tips seem like common sense to me though. I have briefly conversed with a few women but it seems hard to keep much going. There is one that has been responsive. So far it has been easy small talk but it is more than I have been reciprocated with thus far.

After speaking with women friends who are also on Match, I realize not to put too much stock in doling out winks. If they are attractive most women are bombarded with winks and emails since they are being pursued. I think an email is more personal so I have been working in that approach more. It is more proactive.

One friend went as far as to challenge me to ask out two women per week. She emphasized not necessarily ones that I think are "perfect" for me rather ones that meet my basics. Well, that makes a point I have been trying to make, that this is a flawed approach. I know how different attraction levels can be in person. I still feel that I would rather meet a woman in person and know right then if there is a connection or not. It makes a first date less awkward if your first impression is in person rather than building a persona through the Internet.

So people really do this? I feel like Match is just a series of redundant clicks.

I have lost interest and have received no interest after more than six weeks. So I slightly exaggerate but on a scale of 1 to 10 my success and enjoyment with this is a 3. Initially it was interesting but now it seems more like a chore and a waste of time. I think even in this format most people still simply judge a book by its cover. I have sent over 35 emails and winked at least 45 times and I have had very little response. So far I have concluded that there are too few women on Match that are even close to being compatible with me. Surely I am not an odd case. There are too few women who interest me and the ones that may I must not interest them. I just think it is a face value, shallow and disconnected way to meet someone. There is nothing that can come close to the experience of meeting someone for the first time. No matter if there are sparks or not nothing can replace face-to-face human interaction.

Seemingly at my wits end I made a decision. I was thinking, 'screw them'. Either people get me or they don't. Then I thought something wasn't working so I should alter my profile. Wait, am I trying to sell myself? Is this a game? Maybe I would find an article online called, "How to be successful on Match.com" No, I did not look for it because it probably exists. Next I was thinking how confining they have this display of you set up. I hate being defined by x numbers of words here, quote here, photos here. How can a creative person express himself or herself like this!? So I deleted 3 photos and dropped a lot of text they said I should use. I also had another plan. I am a writer so I dropped my last piece called Love Is... into my profile. Now let's see if I get any bites. I feel like I am fishing in uncharted waters and I am using every bait in my box till I hook me a record sized bass. Time will tell. I am persistent

An excerpt from Love Is:

'I wonder about her demeanor after a long day at work, the expression that lights her face in a moment of joy, the color of her aura during a passionate kiss. I imagine the feelings of doing my laundry and finding one of her hairs entangled in a shirt as if clinging onto me while she is not in my presence. I daydream of rolling over and smelling her on my pillow case and knowing she was previously lying right beside me. I try to picture watching a movie together. Does she like to cuddle if the movie is sad or scary? Does she leave her underwear and toothbrush out? Would she enjoy drinking wine and conversing as I prepared a homemade meal for her?'

Well that profile makeover made a huge difference. I immediately had more response even yielding my first to VIP emails and response from a Top 5 Daily pick. I have had primarily female readership on my blog and on Facebook so it makes sense that my writing elicited more response on Match. However, I now have new dilemmas. I have been receiving three times the interest that I was before.

If you are as clueless about the VIP emails as I was here is how Match describes them:

Don't miss the chance to let your email stand out from all the rest.
What makes your VIP Emails special?
• Only one can be sent per week, so anyone who gets one is sure to know you're a Very Interested Person.
• They stay at the top of the Inbox for 7 days, or until responded to, so they're never overlooked.
• You can see when these emails have been read.

I recently received two VIP emails on Match, two interested, and two winks. In your Daily 5 you answer yes, no or maybe. Evidently when you choose yes it notifies that person. Yet, of all the recent attention only one truly stood out to me. So, I emailed Baily and we began dialogue.

The first flag is that she has a kid. Ok, not necessarily a red flag but one that would not been overlooked before. I am trying to be more open-minded. She has shared custody so she has some time to herself or to share with someone else. I am trying to get to know women for just them and not run because they have additions that come with them. Although I hate drama and stress. Maybe it is because I am an only child, or that I have only had to consider me most of my life or that I have never dated anyone with a child or that I have rarely been around kids at all most of my life except for when I was one myself. I do know I would rather be with someone and enjoy that before kids were ever part of the plan. But I am almost forty and I just don't think of having kids as I would be sixty or older when they graduated from high school. On the other hand I worry about them already having a kid or kids and the lifelong issue you would have with the ex and learning to love and deal with kids that are not yours. All of this is so foreign to me. I am sure you can tell but I will state it for all to hear, kids scare me.

Secondly, she lives in a town thirty minutes away. Again, I have not even considered this before. I do know how difficult it can be to make time when distance is an issue. I live in the city, I mean really in the city so the thought of spending time in a small suburb town is again scary to me. Small town life seems so stagnant. Everything from the mentality to the options is different. Damn, I guess I am a snob. That is depressing.

So after several emails on Match we moved to gmail and then to chatting. She hinted at meeting up soon so I sent her the email below.

'Well, to answer your question yesterday...I do not have time to date much but I think if you and another dig each other you make time. Also, I do actually meet a lot of women but between being so picky and timing, it is usually an 'I’ll pass' situation. I guess Match takes the timing out of it. I have only been on for six weeks and I have not gone out with anyone I have met yet. So back to me being picky...my friends tell me I am a snob but I choose to say more picky and wise. Plus, I do not see the point in wasting your time or theirs if it is not right. Even if you are just having fun, hanging out is cool so long as you are on the same page. So, yes we need to actually get together. I am apprehensive though. I have never met anyone online. I am used to meeting someone first in person. It is easier to tell right away if you are attracted to them and if there is chemistry or a connection. Anyway...so you come in town a few times a week? When will you be in next? I am busy but hopefully we can coordinate a time soon.'

She said she was making out her schedule for her time with her daughter and tossed out a few dates and we settled on next Wednesday since both of our weekends were packed this weekend and next. I told her I would take her to a dive bar near my place. Dive bars are very trendy now days but this is a real dive bar. They have a jukebox, one pool table, one booth, four tables and a bar. The majority of people who go in there are regulars and most are thirty-five to sixty years old. They do make a great yet simple made fresh burger. Also, the beer is cheap and it is quiet enough to hear each other for a first date discussion. Now I just have to not think about what I am doing and run every scenario through my head before I even meet this woman. Good luck to me.

The night before our date I saw a missed call from Bailey. I was surprised since we had not spoken on the phone yet. When I listened to the phone message I heard she wanted to speak to me before our date. My mind began racing. She said 'before our date' so she is not canceling. What could it be? It is not her in the photos, although they did not give much information anyway. She has a boyfriend that she already met through Match and she doesn't feel right going out with someone else. Nope, I was wrong on all counts, she just wanted to chat. Bad timing can be more painful than direct rejection because rejection is definitive and with bad timing you might never know. So far if there is one positive, it is the way Match is that it eliminates the factor of bad timing. People are on dating sites to meet someone special therefore a mission is stated. Possibly another positive to a dating site is that there is rejection with anonymity. You don't have to respond and neither do they. No harm, no foul.

First date and done. First of all, her one photo of herself was years old and before she had her child. I have an older photo on my profile too but I don't look much different. Her personality was larger than via email. She was funny and made some very animated faces. She was laid back and able to just roll with things. I really dug her and we had a good time. However, I just did not feel it. There was something missing. It felt like she was more into me than I was her. I have been there and I didn't like that feeling and I did not want someone else to feel the same way. Maybe I am just not ready for a serious relationship like I had thought I was. I told her that I don't want to waste people's time or lead them on. I am no BS when it comes to many things, especially these matters. She was disappointed and honestly so was I. I had to tell her that I thought it would be best to not pursue the situation. The sense of relief was equal to the feeling of disappointment.

So, was my first date a success? I think I met a very cool woman but not in a romantic fashion. She deserves to be with someone that can and will give her what she needs. I am sure it could work at least for a while but why would I stand in the way of another person's happiness? How dare anyone take that away from anyone else!? She was very understanding and appreciated my honesty. I think I have made an amazing new friend.

As my three month period on Match.com is coming to a close I have finally met someone very special. However, I did not met her on Match but through natural selection in the real world. Even this wonderful match comes with imperfections. At my age and this point in my life, I think we all carry a little baggage. It is the past that defines who we are. Adversity builds character. This experience has taught me that the smallest things make the biggest difference. When you are open to possibilities anything is possible. No amount of checked boxes or self descriptions can match that initial personal connection. You can't replace chemistry with any amount of formulas or gimmicks. The first spark is the purest. There is no faking or mistaking chemistry. You can't compartmentalize or contain love. If we meet fate half way miracles can happen. It really does happen when you least expect it.

by Trey Mitchell

The Next Big Thing

I told her I had always lived alone

And I probably always would

And all I wanted was my freedom

And she told me that she understood

But I let her do some of my laundry

And she slipped a few meals in between

And the next thing I remember, she was all moved in

And I was buying her a washing machine

Ready or Not

Jackson Browne

I have decided next time I share my living space with a woman I am romantically involved with it will be for the right reasons. It will be a huge step to ask her to do so. In the past it has always just sort of happened.

Maybe it has been out of convenience. I love being around women; it is comforting. I know it has happened for financial reasons. We were always together anyway. Why pay rent in two places? Sometimes they just accumulate things at your place and then have no need to go home. For whatever the reasons in the past, it will not happen again. Next time I will not just wake up one day to a live in relationship.

Some of you may think this is immoral but before I even think of anything that serious again I want to test the waters before I dive in. I have no problem with a roommate for financial reasons so that moving in together is not an easy option. Moral and religious opinions aside, maybe waiting until marriage to live together gives you both more incentive to work harder. Possibly the fear of failure due to the binding commitment of marriage changes your perspective. Although I am not opposed to marriage, I do not think it is in any way a necessity. If my commitment is not good enough without a legal document then it never will be. But hey, different strokes.

So the next big thing I could do personally would be to get down on one knee and ask to live together. It must be because I love spending time with her so much that I want her to know me even better. I want her to be a part of my everyday life. Also, women can add warmth to your home with little details that don't overwhelm or scare you. If done correctly, you will discover many things you don't need but suddenly don't want to be without. If she wants to take over and get rid of all that represents you and replace with everything that represents her...red flag, abort mission!

I have a big heart under all of the accumulated protective armor. I have gone beyond my capabilities physically, emotionally and financially to help others and I have often received little or nothing in return. I know now from experience that you can't fix or help or rescue some people. When other people's problems become yours, then it is an issue. We all have issues, but we need to own them. So don't ever move in together for any other reason than love.

Some may argue that the quickest way to kill a relationship is to move in together. However, that being said, I think most often that things are going to work out or not. So maybe it is a way to find out more quickly instead of drawing out relationships for years and then realizing you are so incompatible that you can not even live together.

In the end, there are no guarantees. Dating is a process. It is a combination of elimination and previous experience. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes as well as those of others. As well, we seem to know more of what we don't want from having experienced it. So, we try until we no longer need to. Why would you continue to look for your car keys when you have already found them. I love it when people say, "They were in the last place I looked!"

If you have any doubts at all, do not move in together. It is not healthy to go into something like this thinking it might not work out. It is much easier to end a relationship when you do not live together. So, in the unfortunate case it doesn't work out, be prepared. It is similar to a divorce and it is neither fun nor easy.

I am neither endorsing nor condoning moving in together. I am just pointing out pros and cons. We all know we rarely listen to others do want most of the time anyway. No matter what, be aware and don't make such a big decision lightly. Whatever you decide, do it with conviction and maybe this time will be the last.

By Trey Mitchell