Falling

Do you ever get homesick for a place you have never been? Not necessarily a physical place but a situation or emotional state. I sometimes long for a place and time where I am in a happy, healthy, honest relationship. I miss a best friend, someone I have yet to meet, a woman full of laughter and passion. I am not lonely, I am longing for something more, new and exciting. There is an amazing energy about love that makes everything in life even more vibrant and the negative less detrimental. Ok, I said it. I miss love.

"I don't wanna waste another day,

Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for."

Tyrone Wells 'More'

It has been a year since I have had a girlfriend, which was only for three months. Before that it had been two years. I was dating but to get the point where I can and want to truly commit to a relationship is not so easy for me. It sounds like an easy thing to do but it is hard sell. Just like I don't want to buy something just because it is on sale, I want to truly want a relationship not just because I can be in one.

It has been said that you find what you want most often when you are not looking for it. Yet I have certainly stumbled into relationships or even ignored them and still wound up in them. I have learned that the easy is well, too easy. Yet the hard sometimes is very trying. When I start to really care then it scares me. Things get complicated after being alone for so long since we get so set in our ways.

After so many attempts to captivate that glimmer of a relationship only to see it crash and burn, you tend to be a little apprehensive. It is never easy putting yourself out there since no one likes rejection. Even those that seem to exude confidence are often overcompensating by polishing their ego. It is usually insecurity caused by pain. Unless you are into emotional S&M, pain is not fun.

Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned, but it's still willing to try
And shine

Matthew Ryan 'Chrome'

Naturally we set up physical and emotionally boundaries. Often we do not even consciously do so. It may not be apparent to us until someone else gives us a clue. I have many layers and boundaries but they can easily be torn away for the right person at the right time. This can be confusing since I am also a very open person. Getting me there is difficult but when I am there I am a rock. Often my stubbornness keeps me at a distance but it also can keep me there.

To try to understand myself I often look for patterns to break. Recently I found a new one as I was flipping though the pages of my past relationships. I discovered that I sometimes let others fall into my life. I have meandered through some periods without interest due to being too focused on work. I missed out on some wonderful opportunities. I have been called a snob which makes me laugh. I have been also called aloof which better suits me at times. I have also been told I am too forward. Life is short and I do not want to waste any one's time or vice versa. I guess I am aloof when I am not that interested and too intense when I am.

One of Richard Linklater's earlier films, Slacker, illustrated a simple idea that every person you come in contact with can change your day or in a larger scale, your life. The camera followed the first character until they came in to contact with the next and so on. Not necessarily the best follow though of a great idea but it leads me to my next point. People are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. Most of the time you can’t choose which the three categories one falls into. However, I would not trade anything for the people that fill these roles in my life. I am very thankful for some very special times with some amazing women in my life. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I meet many beautiful wonderful women but rarely is there a mutual connection worth pursuing. I allow myself to reach the brink of elation only to find that most of the women I am attracted to are not attracted to me. I am not ungrateful; I am always flattered to have very cool, genuine, attractive women friends. It gives me hope that the pack will attract more and that it might lead to opportunity. After all, being seen with women attracts women to you. Other women think you must have 'something', be cool, funny, smart, etc.

So I am ready to throw caution to the wind and let go. I want to do things that I have never done. I want to surprise myself. I want to take chances. The next time I fall into something I want it to be love. There is beauty in falling.

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

Matt Nathanson 'Car Crash'

By Trey Mitchell