Bail Outs

In a time when we can easily and quickly make contact with anyone anywhere there is still a lack of communication. Yet all the gizmos and gadgets can never replace true face to face communication.

Thanks to Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, email, IM, texting, video, photos and voice mails along with acronyms and emoticons we are losing touch with being in touch. There is still nothing like seeing a facial expression and hearing a tone of voice. Misunderstandings are caused by not listening. We are too distracted by too many variables that should be irrelevant. The next time you reach out to someone, chances are that you will be misunderstood.

I am constantly hearing stories of how the most intimate of situations have been demoted to what is easier and faster. I cannot fathom that people break up via, email, voice mails, text messages, or even post it notes! Seriously, is this what we have come to!? People, grow up and take responsibility for your actions! Otherwise, the love of the land is lawless and full of anarchy! What makes it worse it that these lazy and impersonal methods are being perpetuated by the media, music, videos, TV and film. Do we now live in a world where it is ok to just slow the car, jump, tuck and roll?

Break ups are not fun for either party. Unfortunately, most of us need closure and in most cases one of the two decides it is over in their mind before even stating so. So, 'Man up!', even if you are a woman. Show some respect and pull the plug in person. I believe in karma and so should you. So treat people with the respect that you feel you also deserve.

If you are so terrible at breaking up with someone here are a few suggestions:

First, I think it is important to pick a neutral location. In a less familiar environment people tend to stay more in control. This way there is no history surrounding you as if you were at your place or hers. Secondly, have a time limit in your head. You don't want this to turn into a marathon discussion. Dragging it out too long will only confuse things.

Never Say, 'We need to talk'

By now we have all been there and there is no perfect time to say those four words. While you may think a 'heads up' is nice, most often it is an excruciating time for the other person. If you have too much time to cover your side of the conversation before hearing a thing they have to say it is a one-sided conversation. It make even spark them to try to talk right then which is never good while out in public, while at work or with friends or relatives. Make sure you keep private matters private.

Never During a Fight

Even if you have to walk away, don't blurt out that you want out then. Plus, if you have had arguments before and one of you has said it before neither will take it seriously. Say what you mean and do what you say. After you both have cooled down and had time to think, calmly sit down and discuss things as the adults that you are.

Never Hit Replay

There is no need to rehash your entire relationship. At this point it is over, you are not trying to work things out. It is normal to question things but at this point there is no going back. You can not turn back time and change the past. There is no reason to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong, how you could have prevented it, see red flags you missed and so on. Simply learn from your mistakes and move on.

Never Cry

Crying is an honest reaction, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your mind. You can comfort them but stand your ground. Don't let their pain cause you guilt. Also, don't join in on the crying session. One of you has to steady the course and stay on track. You have valid reasons so try your best to honestly and kindly explain.

Never Point Fingers

There is no point to go in swinging. Never point fingers and say 'You'. Explain things from your perspective. It is never good to provoke them or make them feel cornered, they will quickly become defensive. Then you have to spend time talking them down. Calmly discuss how you feel and your perspective. Make sure you listen to what they have to say because their feelings matter too.

Never Counter-Argue

They may dispute anything you've said or done, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. This is just a form of denial and they may frantically grasp at anything to throw you of course. Let them know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.

Never Allow Threats

When people are hurt they sometimes lash out at others to make themselves feel better. A few examples may be: "You'll never find anyone as good as me", "I'll make you regret this", "I knew you were an asshole", and "My friends never liked you". Threats of physical harm are serious so don't ignore them. If you're physically compromised, stay calm and leave quickly.

Never Make Empty Promises

No matter how much you care for someone, saying what they want to hear never offer white lies to ease the pain. You don't want to give them false hope. It's not going to help the situation. You must be firm but gentle. They may offer to fix things or to do things different but if you've discussed problems in the past and there was no change then it is too late.

There is no perfect formula for the perfect break up. Someone always gets let down even when it is treated in a calm, mature and respectful manner. However, it is very important to take this daunting task to heart and treat them as you would want to be treated. Nothing will ever replace face to face interaction. It is the most sincere of communications. It allows the act to seem more like a mutual discussion and allows one step closer for you both to have closure.

Eventually the smoke will clear and you will have to time to reflect on the situation and realize you did the right thing for both of you. You now have more time to yourself so you can get back to the things you neglected, reconnect with friends, find new hobbies, etc.

Dating is a process and I think sometimes we take it too personally when things do not work out. We often feel like something, someone or ourselves are to blame. Blame is lame. Things just don't always work out. The stars didn't align, the timing was off or it just wasn't meant to be. You can't force a happy outcome.

Getting into a relationship is the best part but when it all collapses getting out is never fun. Yet in time, 'Game Over' no longer fazes us. We will continue to shovel in quarters no matter how well we play the game.

By Trey Mitchell

Duped

Ok, this one is for the guys. Ladies, feel free to read on if you dare.

Let's say you meet a beautiful, funny and affectionate woman through friends one night. You hit it off and have an absolute blast. You exchange numbers and talk for hours the next day. You realize how close you have come to meeting several times and both wish you had met years ago. Her friends rave about how amazing she is and you agree. Your mutual friends even mention that she thinks that you are 'cute', 'nice' and cool'. You join her and her friends out several times. She is affectionate towards you around others and you always laugh and have fun. You enjoy emailing and texting during the first couple of weeks. Then you meet her one on one during the day to show her you are interested in getting to know her. She seems distant and uninterested. Also, she doesn't seem to remember things you have discussed and potential plans you have made. She cuts your hang time short citing that she must get her laundry right away before she puts it off. Finally, a hurried impersonal goodbye leaves you standing in wondering what happened.

We are guys, so it could have been something we said, did or didn't say or do. More than likely we just weren't prepared for which type of woman we were dealing with. Like a good comedian, know your audience. So here is some information to keep you from feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under you.

In my opinion, there are three main types of women. Ladies I am not saying that every woman fits in one of these broad categories but these are the ones that instantly came to mind.

You Wish: I could have him if I wanted to. The ones that need the attention by having men fall all over her so she feels superior. There is nothing like having your pick of the flock. Control is power.

It starts with physical appearance. When a women is beautiful all of her life she gets special treatment everywhere she goes. She does not have to prove her self in any way. She really doesn't even need to develop any part of her personality. Why would she need to when she does nothing and gets everything she wants? She is bored with men because she is always the center of attention. She turns heads when she walks in rooms. She has heard every line, every compliment, every story and every joke. Don’t let her fool you, she loves the attention and without it she would be lost. She usually dates men that are the typical cliché of tall, dark and handsome. She is most attracted to men of power that have money to impress. She enjoys the carefree life of always being at the cool new place to be seen, hanging out with her attractive friends, never having to buy drinks and never having to be alone. She is the woman women and men love to hate. 'Don’t hate me because I am beautiful.' Her biological gift is used to its fullest and much of depth in life is overlooked by her. She was born into privilege. She was the head cheerleader and prom queen. She expects you to fulfill her every desire, since cost is no option. You can't blame her for the way she is since she has knows no other way. She is the face of everything that sells. She can always be attracted to the next big thing. She is your fantasy.

Misunderstood: She can't understand why men always pursue her when she has given them no reason to think she is interested in them. She explains how she has such a big heart and just loves everyone. She digs you but not like 'that'.

She is the unknowingly unattainable. She is so cool, sweet, fun and attractive that you think you have an opportunity to date an amazing woman. You were stunned and happily surprised to meet such a woman. No matter how downplayed whatever you heard about her was, nothing compares to how blown away you where when you meet her. She is always positive, affectionate and entertaining. She always gives you attention and is appreciative of compliments. She is always dressed well and always looks beautiful; she has no bad hair days. You make her feel safe and comfortable. She is the one that other men see you with and wonder what you possibly have that they don't. At first women are threatened by her but everyone loves her, men and women alike. She is harmless and very loveable. She is surrounded by other beautiful people but you know she has more depth then half of them. She could easily be shallow but thinks more of herself than to cheat herself like that. She likes to look and feel beautiful but does not use her looks in a malicious or self-centered manner. Unfortunately, she is only interested in a specific type of man. You might never even know what type of man that is. She never calls you by your name but instead uses substitute words like 'dude', 'buddy' and 'man'. She talks of plans but she is always too busy to follow through and you can never find any reason to be upset with her when she doesn't. She is the type of woman you would do anything for then later realize you compromised too much of yourself to please her. When you 'hang out' she never allows you to pay for anything since that would make it a 'date'. She is too good to be true. She could be everything you want if she just let you in. You don't have to have the winning hand but you must be close. She is your 'if only'.

Aloof: 'Seriously, he likes me?' This is rarest type of women. She has no idea how amazing she is. She is always shocked that men are interested in her. She is intrigued by the fact that men are so drawn to her.

She is most often overlooked for more outgoing and typically beautiful women. She is smart, witty, independent, grounded, goal oriented and beautiful in a classic timeless way. She always looks pretty without even trying. She can easily leave the house in jeans, t-shirt and a ball cap. When she does dress up she is stunning because she downplays her looks. She is well rounded and will try almost anything for the experience. She is the type of women that others look up to although they usually won't admit it. She is comfortable with herself and can be anywhere with anyone and have a good time. She is a woman that will always develop and grow mentally and emotionally. To her life is a challenge and well worth it because nothing good comes easily. She doesn't look down on others because she understands why people are the way they are. She defends those that others refuse to take the time to understand. She impresses mom and dad and your friends tell you she is the best things that could ever happen to you. She will accept you for who you are. She is the 'one that got away'.

One you must be of her stock or you have no chance. If you are not, you can never truly understand the world she lives in. Two represents that it could happen to you. If you are lucky you might just hit the jackpot. Three is the woman of the real world. She is for you but you have to prove yourself worthy.

So what type of woman fits you? Ladies, it is not all your fault but please communicate with us so we don't allow ourselves to feel duped. Be honest with us, we will get over it. If we can't take it then it is our problem not yours.

by Trey Mitchell