Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Next Chapter

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.

Let’s face it love can be painful but it doesn't have to be. I have been both the heartbreaker and the heart broken more times than I can count. If you care about the person at all neither way is a joy ride. I know how hard it is to not love someone that loves you and how painful it is to love someone that doesn't love you.

I recently had a friend tell me 'take your own advice'. So I went back and read through much of my writing. I had lost clarity of the very things that I shared and encouraged in others. Sometimes the teacher must become the student. I am constantly giving others advice because it is easier to analyze other people's lives than my own. I write as a form of self therapy and often I let my thoughts vanish as soon as they hit the page. It is never too late to hold the mirror to yourself and take time to improve yourself since we all have room for improvement. We are lucky if we have someone else willing to help us.

We should always do things with the best of intentions and not for selfish reasons because when we expect things in return we set ourselves up for disappointment. It is selfish so if you want to always get something back then do things for yourself. It is easy to be selfish and prideful and let our own wants and needs stand in the way of accepting the efforts of another. It is never easy to admit when we are wrong but we mistakes on a daily basis.

We can allow society to glamorize love but in reality a relationship takes effort, communication and trust. I don't care how 'easy' any relationship seems, it takes work. Once you get past the newness or honeymoon phase it is a daily task to feed love's hunger.

No matter how much you love someone if they do not meet you halfway, then you are both unfulfilled. We all deserve love but we must not deny ourselves the happiness we are due if the other is not willing to give back.

It is important to maintain your own life so that when you break up you don't have to split up or choose friends. If you just fold into someone else's life and put all of your eggs in one basket you could lose them all. You can share most everything but you must keep something for yourself whether it is a set of friends or a hobby. You can't disappear into the life of another.

Love is euphoric so when it is gone you go through withdrawals as if you quit a drug cold turkey. A buddy of mine mentioned recently how strange it is that we had known each other for 11 years and that when he and his girlfriend of a year broke up, he did not know how to even get through a day without her. When someone is so ingrained in your life then suddenly it is a desolate feeling.

All relationships take work even the new or easy ones. The engine of a car is like the heart and communication is the oil of the engine. Without communication the engine will get too hot too fast and burn up. Then you have a car without a heart.

Breakups are emotional and if you really love someone then it takes time and space for the rational thoughts to kick in. How, when or why we get to the point of the break up is irrelevant but what we do afterwards is just as important. There is usually a 'misery' phase, an 'anger' phase, a 'what could I have done differently' phase, the 'missing' phase and lastly the 'move on and heal' phase.

No matter how much pain you are in it is not acceptable to hurt back. If it is the only way to get a reaction it is wrong and unhealthy. You can't make anyone do, say or feel what you want. One can only be to you what they allow and you can neither demand nor expect more. You can be the most important thing in someone’s life but not the only thing. No matter how diligent you are when a relationship ends it is almost impossible to remain close right away. You must learn every day life without each other. You learn to be without or you realize it is worth fighting for. Either way, there is no point in one person missing out when you can possibly both have your needs meet by another.

Understand the pain you feel will not go away until you process it or block it out and return to it later. It will still be there. If you bounce from one relationship to another without emptying the drain it will begin to overflow. So vent, talk, cry, rant, scream, sit in silence and think about why you are hurt. Listen to music, write, paint, read, exercise, whatever it takes to get the processing over with. Be leery of distractions versus processing though. You can hide, mask skip over, rationalize the pain but it will be there until you deal with it.

You must get though the road block of pain to begin healing time will heal lean on friends and family. It is like mourning a death of a loved one, as it is a death of its own. If you never imagined them being gone, missing, absent from your life...then yes it is like a death.

You may hide in your room and mourn for a while, you have beat yourself up or have a pity party but eventually you must get back out and integrate yourself into life. Most of us have been in a car wreck but even if it takes time, we drive again.

Losing everything allows you to see clearly that you have nothing to lose.

By Trey Mitchell

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