False Pretenses

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Erin McCarley

I was talking with a woman recently when she expressed her frustration with men. She said that men get bored too easily and that she feels like women must hold back to create mystery or give in to sex to keep them. She said sex was too easy for men and went on to explain that she feels like ‘You have to give in to a home run for a guy to like you.’

This blew my mind. She is stunningly attractive, very sweet, and intelligent and possesses a great sense of humor.

So what is the problem?

She is dating the wrong kind of men.

It is all about respect. Respect yourself and demand respect from men.

Men that chase women and then drop them after sex are about the conquest. They need to keep their ego pumped up. Men are only as faithful as their options. The truth is that women have all of the power yet they don’t seem to realize this.

Ultimately, women are in control. They have what we want. Set the tone and the rules. Demand to be treated the way you want and deserve to be. Men will respect you and your choices or they won’t. If they don’t care enough to not rush, then they lose but you don't. Men who are in a hurry just want sex. If you mean anything to them they will take the time to get to know you and allow you to feel safe and comfortable. Sex can be a very personal, private, even sacred experience.

Most often sex complicates things, especially when you really don’t know the person. Most likely each of you has different expectations that you are unaware of. Personally, I want, expect and deserve more than just sex. I still think there is chase and intrigue if you want it. However, it takes self-control from both of you to achieve it.

There is something very sexy about being patient and cerebral, like in a chess game. The unknowing and the anticipation is stimulating. You must be persistent yet still allow opportunity to make the right moves at the right time.

If a woman jumps into bed with a man right away it most likely and hardly ever will progress or develop into anything else. Men know this. Easy in and easy out. If you have to work to get there you are more likely to stay.

There is something satisfying about knowing you can have someone but not doing so. You keep your dignity and respect and there is no failure of expectations while avoiding potential drama.

Why would you spend time, money and effort to put on a show to try to impress someone you hardly know if all you wanted was sex? A woman recently told me that her new boyfriend takes her out and they enjoy spending time together. I said that was great and that is what it is all about, enjoying each other’s company. She said most guys she has dated failed to do that. What!?

It baffles me that any women let this behavior fly. So if a man wants to do a little as possible to get sex then it is acceptable? On the flip side, I don’t think it is cool to make men jump through hoops and break the bank either. If you like someone then it is simple. I think it is wrong to want to always get something even if you are not that interested. The balance of give and take works for a reason. Really, why waste your time or theirs if it is not genuine?

In these situations, I think people put their best foot forward but it often seems fake to me. I think one needs to earn attention by showing true interest and spending time getting to know the other. To fully enjoy the dating process you must show mutual respect.

Unfortunate but true, most beautiful women are judged initially by their looks. If you don’t have much else to offer you will be treated with a shallow level of respect. If you have personality to back up your looks you will be treated with more respect. I am not talking about just being a ‘fun girl’. I mean real personality in the form intelligence, witty sense of humor, interests in anything with depth. Beautiful people often sell themselves short. Why develop other parts when they have never had to? When all the focus is on their exterior why not take the path of least resistance?

If you want to be a sex doll, be one but don’t pretend you are anything else. Don’t be offended if people judge you. If you want to blame society for pressuring you into having sex to keep a boyfriend, so be it. Society is not there when you decide to or not to have sex. No matter who you are be true to yourself and don’t apologize.

You project the way you think of yourself and that is the way others will treat you. If you want more, then be more and demand more.

Respect is something you earn.

By Trey Mitchell

Grab a Lighter

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about dating when I mentioned that I have issues even committing to asking a woman out. I seem to find something incompatible before I even give it a chance. My neighbors joke about how I have such high interest and in a week or less I have changed my mind. Why drive down a dead end road when you are hoping for a long drive? I have had plenty of short drives.

I do not believe in love at first sight. I think it is impossible since you absolutely do not know the person at all. I think we can instantly fall in love with the idea of that person. Possibly what we think they represent is appealing instantly. It is easy to in your head make them whatever you want them to be. However, I do believe in lust at first sight. To me this makes more sense because of what I just stated. I am not saying that something true and meaningful can not come from either situation but the odds are very slim. To get to know someone is to truly love them, the whole of them.

In many ways I have become too practical for love at first sight. The more experience I gain from dating the more time I spend analyzing. But this keeps me from getting caught up in the moment, and to fully experience things we must let go. If I allow myself to the edge I will jump, but getting me there is very difficult. I confuse myself before anyone else even has a chance to. Painful experiences in our past keeps us from taking as many chances. We learned that the boiling pot on the stove will burn our hand unless we protect it from those very elements. I may have experience, but wisdom is using that and not making the same mistakes.

At this point in my life, physical attention seems to be basic human need. I am sure if I had not had amazing experiences I would know no different. If you grow up in a third world country and have never had the privilege of running tap water would you miss it? Intimacy is amazing. What happens afterwards is complicated.

I have a friend who jokes that people pay hookers to leave, not for sex. I find some strange truth in this. When you allow your hormones to lead you into physical intimacy quickly then you skip so much of getting to know each other and there's no going back. Suddenly you're in a situation you must move forward with or get out of and if you blindly jumped in then where is forward?

This brings me to the question of how long should someone wait to be intimate with someone? One friend says possibly after the 'DTR' talk. After the 'define the relationship' talk it could go either way. Another friend told me that before sex they have an eight to ten date policy. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work since sometimes eight dates can fit into two weeks. In my opinion, that's not a long time to know someone. Everyone is different but to me setting such finite rules sets you up to fail. There is always a way to get around 'rules' if you want to. I think physical intimacy should be a turning point in the relationship not a number. After time, I think it is the defining moment that takes it to the next level.

I guess it depends on your self discipline. Personally, I have struggled with periods of discipline but I think it comes down to respect. You should always respect yourself but sometimes you must have respect for others even if they don't respect themselves. I try to measure experiences by what I have had and not opportunities I have missed. It is good to want things and I also think it is good to not always get what you want. Sometimes the best experiences are the ones you have not had. Consider it like potential; if you do not use it you still have it.

We have all made mistakes and we will make more no matter what. Making mistakes and still going forward with someone is a huge success. Most people choose flight instead of fight when they get the cart (sex) before the horse (relationship).

So is it unrealistic to believe in 'movie love'? Well, I think so. After all, it is a fabricated replica of life so it can be manipulated into whatever the filmmaker wants. The fact that 'chick flicks' are so popular is a testament that it gives many of us hope. That hope translates in to feeling good about ourselves and our future. We all want to be happy don't we?

A friend in college had her own visual analogy of love. She called it 'Hearts, stars and rainbows'. Call it fireworks, explosions, love at first sight, movie love or hearts, stars and rainbows. No matter what we call it, we are all looking for signs that represent happiness with someone else.

I am looking for explosions, not sparklers. Sure, sparkles are pretty but they are small, burn out fast and leave you wanting more with smoke in your eyes. Explosions can shake you to the core, burn your retina and make your ears bleed. They are monumental and unforgettable. In the end, to have any chance for explosions we have to at least light the fuse.

By Trey Mitchell