I Fall In Love All The Time

Love
· Pronunciation: \ˈləv\
· Function: noun
· Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu
· a strong positive emotion of regard and affection
· any object of warm affection or devotion or admiration
· have a great affection or liking for
· used as terms of endearment
· get pleasure from
· a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction


I fall in love all the time…in my head.

I know better to let my heart get involved. It is a long uphill climb on a slippery slope. When I ask myself what I want in a woman it is easier to answer what I don’t want. I have had what I don’t want. After all these years of long dead end roads, I could easily feel nothing. Yet I still have a romantic hidden inside, curled up naked protecting that dream of love.

When I was younger I believed in ‘movie love’. Now that I am older and have experienced many attempts to discover that elusive love, I know that it does not exist. Although, I do believe in a realistic form of it is possible to achieve.

Do you remember young love in high school when you never wanted that last goodnight kiss to end? When you could talk on the phone for hours about anything and nothing at all? To get a love note was such a personal rush and to finally declare that you were ‘going with’ someone was a monumental thrill!

In adult form, these situations of emotional bliss still prevail. To get an unexpected text, email or voice mail ‘just to say hello’ is just as invigorating as finding that three cent prize in the bottom of that caramel coated popcorn. And that was when you were already I on a sugar high!

So often it is the little things that mean so much. Let's say you are out of town and you stop at a little country store or even a truck stop and you buy some cheap little trinket to give her upon your return. It makes her laugh and she knows that you were thinking of her. Or maybe you are meeting new people and you have a great conversation you can’t wait to tell her about later. The last thing you want to hear is her voice before you go to sleep. And I could go on...

It surprises even me that I am missing things that I have only been privileged enough to have a glimpse of. I must believe in real love or I have nothing to hope for. Does wishing for more money, a better job, a new car or a big house really bring happiness? When you are dying will you be telling stories on your death bed about that one summer in your mid thirties when you and your convertible Mercedes spent so much time cruising with the top down blaring ‘your song’? I don’t think so.

One of my new favorite quotes is “Life is not measured by the breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away.” Is it so wrong to want to share irreversible and irreplaceable moments in time with someone so special that you can’t imagine your life without them?

I know that there are beautiful, intelligent, genuine women with a great sense of humor that at the same time have self-worth, come from good families and want but don't need to be in a relationship. I have met a few. Unfortunately, someone had already shown them how amazing they are by expressing respect and love for them.

I know some men relish in the idea of living the endless bachelor life of only responsibility for them. I wonder if the quick fix of the next woman they conquer is not just as much an addiction. Just as the aging rocker uses drugs and sex to constantly relive up the high of the adoration of thousands of people he doesn’t even know. Isn’t the short intense rush of cotton candy nothing in comparison to a full meal that satisfies you for much longer?

When most of us were younger we had little knowledge and no fear. I hardly knew that the word consequence existed. In my mind, there was no failure and certainly no pain. Thinking usually occurred after the action. As we get older what were simple decisions are now convoluted with more choices and most often even larger consequences for our actions.

From experience, I know that giving everything to the wrong person is worse than giving to no one at all. I think to be not alone, but with you is one of the most beneficial and courageous things we can do. I know in the end I just need to start with the basics...to be with someone that accepts me as I am and vice versa.

It sure has seemed like a ghost hunt thus far...but maybe I am starting to believe in ghosts.

By Trey Mitchell

Superficial

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she called me shallow, which she knows is not true. Well, maybe it is a small part of my personality. I choose to think of myself as more picky than shallow. She said I only like to date beautiful women. I asked why that was a problem and she said that my standards are too high for most women to live up to. She went on to state that there are plenty of other women that are more suited for me that don't look like models. In the moment all I could come up with in my defense was that I am a male and a photographer and that I just can't help it. Upon further thought, I have gathered some information to support my taste in women.

The memorable scene in Beautiful Girls of Paul Kirkwood's (Michael Rapaport) glowing monologue about "supermodels" and "beautiful girls" while surrounded by pinups tacked on the wall: "Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinkin' Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high - full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, and the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's gonna be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels."

Men will do an immeasurable amount of stupid things for the minutest amount of attention from a beautiful woman. I have certainly gone to extraordinary lengths to acquire the interest of beautiful women. Whether it is a peacock's strut or a lion's roar, or Brad Pitt's sly grin or Dennis Rodman's outrageous antics, we all work with whatever we have to obtain the lofty goal of the arm of the gorgeous female.

Some women are attracted to money and power, others physical stature, some a sense of humor, others the 'bad boy' image and some the artistic mind. Everything we do is to attract a woman. It is like the idea of no such thing as a selfless act. We would be kidding ourselves if we said otherwise. Sure we can convince ourselves that we are career minded, expressing ourselves or entertaining others but in the end it is always about attracting a woman. It is the way we have been programmed since the beginning of time and it will continue forever.

Think of the images we have seen all of our lives of the sirens of the silver screen archives. Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Rita Hayworth, Sophia Loren, Jean Harlow, Jacqueline Bisset, and Brigitte Bardot all possessed a sensual sexuality that could melt any 45".

Today we have Victoria's Secret, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, Maxim, Stuff and so on. Less is left to the imagination but that same image of smoldering sexuality exists. In a time where Playboy has not only survived but thrived there is no escaping what the masses feed us to fall in love with. It is what we dream of.

Every man has his own version of Eve. Luckily for us, women come in all shapes, sizes and colors! Tall, short, athletic, thin, voluptuous, blond, brunette, redhead, tan, pale...the list is endless. We thankfully live in a Baskin Robbins world and yet still most men will never fully be satisfied with what he has. The American dream is based on settling for nothing less than the best. It is our duty as one living in the most influential and powerful country in the world to strive for more.

Of course this entire physical obsession causes an endless number of issues for the subjects of our desire.

In the same movie, the scene of the bar-room singing of "Sweet Caroline"; and the scene of down-to-earth Gina Barrisano's (Rosie O'Donnell) smart-mouthed put-down monologue about the centerfold beauty myth and unrealistic expectations that guys have about supermodels to Tommy Rowland (Matt Dillon) and high-school grad Willie Conway (Timothy Hutton) "Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite, oh you like that?...Yeah, that's nice, right? Well, it doesn't exist, OK? Look at the hair, the hair is long, it's flowing. It's like a river. Well, it's a f--king weave, OK? And the t-ts? Please! I could hang my overcoat on them. T-ts, by design, are intended to be suckled by babies. Yeah, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being so unruly and all. Very vain. This is a mockery, this is sham, this is bulls--t..."

I truly have no counter argument. Men are highly visual and cars, women, boats, motorcycles, etc is what stimulates us mentally more than emotionally. Since the famous poster of Farrah Fawcett there has been no denying my physical attraction to the female form. I am not stating that the way we view women physically is right or wrong, good or bad, fair or not but it is the society we live in. Whether it is natural beauty or all tricks, we all look for women that make our jaw drop and our tongue unroll into the street.

From Chris Rock's HBO special at the Apollo Theater:

"You're all liars.

Masters of the lie, the visual lie.

Look at you.
You got on heels, you ain't that tall.

You got on makeup,
Your face don't look like that.

You got a weave, your hair ain't that long.

You got a Wonderbra on,
your t-tties ain't that big."


The crazy thing is we don't care, lie all you want! So enhance your bust with that special bra, stretch those legs with heels, and make up your face. Bottle that promise. Just remember that we lie too.


By Trey Mitchell

Falling

Do you ever get homesick for a place you have never been? Not necessarily a physical place but a situation or emotional state. I sometimes long for a place and time where I am in a happy, healthy, honest relationship. I miss a best friend, someone I have yet to meet, a woman full of laughter and passion. I am not lonely, I am longing for something more, new and exciting. There is an amazing energy about love that makes everything in life even more vibrant and the negative less detrimental. Ok, I said it. I miss love.

"I don't wanna waste another day,

Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for."

Tyrone Wells 'More'

It has been a year since I have had a girlfriend, which was only for three months. Before that it had been two years. I was dating but to get the point where I can and want to truly commit to a relationship is not so easy for me. It sounds like an easy thing to do but it is hard sell. Just like I don't want to buy something just because it is on sale, I want to truly want a relationship not just because I can be in one.

It has been said that you find what you want most often when you are not looking for it. Yet I have certainly stumbled into relationships or even ignored them and still wound up in them. I have learned that the easy is well, too easy. Yet the hard sometimes is very trying. When I start to really care then it scares me. Things get complicated after being alone for so long since we get so set in our ways.

After so many attempts to captivate that glimmer of a relationship only to see it crash and burn, you tend to be a little apprehensive. It is never easy putting yourself out there since no one likes rejection. Even those that seem to exude confidence are often overcompensating by polishing their ego. It is usually insecurity caused by pain. Unless you are into emotional S&M, pain is not fun.

Well in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been bent 'til it was twisted
And in case you didn't know I've got a heart made of chrome
It's been burned, but it's still willing to try
And shine

Matthew Ryan 'Chrome'

Naturally we set up physical and emotionally boundaries. Often we do not even consciously do so. It may not be apparent to us until someone else gives us a clue. I have many layers and boundaries but they can easily be torn away for the right person at the right time. This can be confusing since I am also a very open person. Getting me there is difficult but when I am there I am a rock. Often my stubbornness keeps me at a distance but it also can keep me there.

To try to understand myself I often look for patterns to break. Recently I found a new one as I was flipping though the pages of my past relationships. I discovered that I sometimes let others fall into my life. I have meandered through some periods without interest due to being too focused on work. I missed out on some wonderful opportunities. I have been called a snob which makes me laugh. I have been also called aloof which better suits me at times. I have also been told I am too forward. Life is short and I do not want to waste any one's time or vice versa. I guess I am aloof when I am not that interested and too intense when I am.

One of Richard Linklater's earlier films, Slacker, illustrated a simple idea that every person you come in contact with can change your day or in a larger scale, your life. The camera followed the first character until they came in to contact with the next and so on. Not necessarily the best follow though of a great idea but it leads me to my next point. People are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. Most of the time you can’t choose which the three categories one falls into. However, I would not trade anything for the people that fill these roles in my life. I am very thankful for some very special times with some amazing women in my life. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I meet many beautiful wonderful women but rarely is there a mutual connection worth pursuing. I allow myself to reach the brink of elation only to find that most of the women I am attracted to are not attracted to me. I am not ungrateful; I am always flattered to have very cool, genuine, attractive women friends. It gives me hope that the pack will attract more and that it might lead to opportunity. After all, being seen with women attracts women to you. Other women think you must have 'something', be cool, funny, smart, etc.

So I am ready to throw caution to the wind and let go. I want to do things that I have never done. I want to surprise myself. I want to take chances. The next time I fall into something I want it to be love. There is beauty in falling.

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

Matt Nathanson 'Car Crash'

By Trey Mitchell

Grab a Lighter

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about dating when I mentioned that I have issues even committing to asking a woman out. I seem to find something incompatible before I even give it a chance. My neighbors joke about how I have such high interest and in a week or less I have changed my mind. Why drive down a dead end road when you are hoping for a long drive? I have had plenty of short drives.

I do not believe in love at first sight. I think it is impossible since you absolutely do not know the person at all. I think we can instantly fall in love with the idea of that person. Possibly what we think they represent is appealing instantly. It is easy to in your head make them whatever you want them to be. However, I do believe in lust at first sight. To me this makes more sense because of what I just stated. I am not saying that something true and meaningful can not come from either situation but the odds are very slim. To get to know someone is to truly love them, the whole of them.

In many ways I have become too practical for love at first sight. The more experience I gain from dating the more time I spend analyzing. But this keeps me from getting caught up in the moment, and to fully experience things we must let go. If I allow myself to the edge I will jump, but getting me there is very difficult. I confuse myself before anyone else even has a chance to. Painful experiences in our past keeps us from taking as many chances. We learned that the boiling pot on the stove will burn our hand unless we protect it from those very elements. I may have experience, but wisdom is using that and not making the same mistakes.

At this point in my life, physical attention seems to be basic human need. I am sure if I had not had amazing experiences I would know no different. If you grow up in a third world country and have never had the privilege of running tap water would you miss it? Intimacy is amazing. What happens afterwards is complicated.

I have a friend who jokes that people pay hookers to leave, not for sex. I find some strange truth in this. When you allow your hormones to lead you into physical intimacy quickly then you skip so much of getting to know each other and there's no going back. Suddenly you're in a situation you must move forward with or get out of and if you blindly jumped in then where is forward?

This brings me to the question of how long should someone wait to be intimate with someone? One friend says possibly after the 'DTR' talk. After the 'define the relationship' talk it could go either way. Another friend told me that before sex they have an eight to ten date policy. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work since sometimes eight dates can fit into two weeks. In my opinion, that's not a long time to know someone. Everyone is different but to me setting such finite rules sets you up to fail. There is always a way to get around 'rules' if you want to. I think physical intimacy should be a turning point in the relationship not a number. After time, I think it is the defining moment that takes it to the next level.

I guess it depends on your self discipline. Personally, I have struggled with periods of discipline but I think it comes down to respect. You should always respect yourself but sometimes you must have respect for others even if they don't respect themselves. I try to measure experiences by what I have had and not opportunities I have missed. It is good to want things and I also think it is good to not always get what you want. Sometimes the best experiences are the ones you have not had. Consider it like potential; if you do not use it you still have it.

We have all made mistakes and we will make more no matter what. Making mistakes and still going forward with someone is a huge success. Most people choose flight instead of fight when they get the cart (sex) before the horse (relationship).

So is it unrealistic to believe in 'movie love'? Well, I think so. After all, it is a fabricated replica of life so it can be manipulated into whatever the filmmaker wants. The fact that 'chick flicks' are so popular is a testament that it gives many of us hope. That hope translates in to feeling good about ourselves and our future. We all want to be happy don't we?

A friend in college had her own visual analogy of love. She called it 'Hearts, stars and rainbows'. Call it fireworks, explosions, love at first sight, movie love or hearts, stars and rainbows. No matter what we call it, we are all looking for signs that represent happiness with someone else.

I am looking for explosions, not sparklers. Sure, sparkles are pretty but they are small, burn out fast and leave you wanting more with smoke in your eyes. Explosions can shake you to the core, burn your retina and make your ears bleed. They are monumental and unforgettable. In the end, to have any chance for explosions we have to at least light the fuse.

By Trey Mitchell

The Mirror Doesn't Lie

If you can't look yourself in the mirror and believe something is true then it is not. If you have to convince yourself of something then don't bother. If you have to wonder if she or he likes you or not, then he or she doesn't. We all look for signs by asking friends their opinion or try the old flower petal trick but the gut always knows the truth. Follow your instincts; it is the best barometer of the truth. I have recently asked for advice on relationship such as, "What does this mean?" or "Why did he do or say this?" We don't always have the reason but we always know when it matters. Most of the time simple answers stare us right in the face and say, "Gotcha!"

We often dance with ourselves and others when we second guess. It takes two to dance but someone always leads. What happened to simply asking? Life is simple yet we make it difficult. I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. Sometimes hindsight is 20/20 but sometime the reasons are never reveled. Next time you wonder "Why?" change the question to "Why not?" Relationships are not science. In science there is a theory and we hope the tests yield proof. It is most often not the case. Even in science sometimes we test over and over while changing all the variables and never find proof. If we did we would already have the cure for cancer, AIDS and broken hearts.

A friend told me that expectations are predestined failures. In true relationships involving love of any kind we say we are sorry more that we ever thought we could. Yet one could argue that such phrases as "I’m sorry." and "I love you." don't hold any water when we use them so freely. We have all heard that actions speak louder than words. Some people are OK with words only and others need to see that there is gold in the bank to back the currency.

In the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman you can determine which languages that you require. I will let Chapman define, explain or give his own examples. Below you will find my take on the five languages of love.

1 - Words of Affirmation

Personally I am not the best at this. For some reason I have never been very good at receiving or giving compliments. I have learned that this is important in any relationship whether it is in work, friendship or love. I think my word deficiency stems from what I call the 'selling of words'. A salesman knows his mark and how to sell his product. A pick up artists knows how to elicit favorable responses. So I hear so many people spending words as if money actually grew on trees. Often people use words frivolously. If I give someone a compliment I mean it. I am not saying I use them enough but if you know me when I do it is a big deal. Maybe I feel one must earn a compliment. I do not try to impress or bed feelings with my words. Maybe I choose not to state the obvious. If I know and she knows she is beautiful then why say so all the time. Being selective and creative in compliments shows more effort. Yes, we all want to be verbally rewarded for our actions such as 'Thanks for doing the dishes.' or 'I appreciate you making reservations.' As I learned from reading The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck, there are many things we know and reading this gives you affirmation that you really do already know them is a tremendous pat on the back and ego booster. If you date, wife or lover puts in the effort to look nice for you then they want to know that you notice and appreciate them. So understand that what you might think they know feels even better when some one else knows it too.

2 - Quality Time

Whether you start to spend time with someone new or you always spend time with someone it is still a lone crowd pleaser to make sure that they know that you will make time for you one on one. Often when kids arrive marriages suffer due to all the focus being on someone new. Even if you already have kids that are already ingrained in your life, you must include them as much as possible in the new adventures so they still feel that they are special to you. Jobs often drain your energy and time but you can turn stress and exhaustion into an outlet and time of sharing. Share a run together, share yard work, share a bottle of wine, and be intimate with each other. External variables outside of a personal relationship need to sometime stay external. Leave work at the office, financial stress can be dealt with tomorrow, get a sitter and have a night out, play ball with your son, take your daughter to a movie, don't always take a date out with a crowd. If you don't make sure the ones you love know that you will always make time for them they will eventually pull away and resent you. Quality Time is personal and quantity of time is not.

3 - Receiving Gifts

This is natural and it exists in many more cultures than our own. We give gifts to show appreciation and to show our love. We also like or receive gifts because it makes us also feel good. As well, we know what it feels like to receive them. A gift can be of tradition, to make peace, to say "I am sorry." or to just say that we were thinking of someone. However, gifts alone are meaningless. Sometimes we substitute gifts for words or quality time. Gifts can be a wonderful display but over gifting can lead to numbness. Gifts are a supplement not a replacement. I had a girlfriend that loved flowers and even though they did not last long, the gift of giving did. As the relationship went on I slacked on my flower giving duty. She began to think I appreciated her less since I was obviously thinking of her less. I think the gifts you expect are the least rewarding for both the giver and receiver. I like to give gifts outside of the expected times such as Christmas, Valentines Day and birthdays. Nothing lights up the face of someone like an unexpected gift. You don't always need a reason or occasion to give. Sometimes the thought of giving means more than the gift.

4 - Acts of Service

This is not always fun but compromise is a key element to healthy relationship. Some things just need to be done even when no one wants to do them. Taking out the trash, mowing the yard, picking up the kids from school, cleaning the bathroom are all good examples. You like football and she doesn't and she likes the ballet and you don't. Don’t ask her to watch every game and she won't ask you to attend every ballet. Although it is healthy to have different interests it is also healthy to sometimes share them. Compromise is not giving up but gaining by sharing. Even if you make a deal that she does dishes and you wash the car, failing to keep your end of the bargain is a failure of commitment. You may not like her family but showing your face now and again can only smooth the waters of what could be a very rocky sea. Don’t ever say, "that wasn't in my job description.' When we do things we do not like for some one else we prove that we are all in. The rewards can be astounding.

5 - Physical Touch

This may seem like the easiest but it is not limited to sexual intimacy. Intimacy can be many things such as a kiss on the cheek, a caress of the hand or a simple touch of lower back. Like the other four this alone can not sustain a relationship. As most of us know by now, most relationships that start physical remain only that or die a quick, swift death. Physical touch can release endorphins that elate our senses. In a long term relationship the loss of this act can estrange the closest of couples. If you lose 'touch' then the mind often wonders to places that it should not be detoured into. It can give birth to insecurities, some of which we never thought we possessed. Boredom is a pitfall in many other ways than physically or sexually. From what I have seen, those that are creative and spontaneous keep physical relationships from damming the stagnant creek and the ecosystem. Explore, share and communicate verbally, for in this area you have nothing and nowhere to hide.

If you can balance these love languages there will never be any questions as to how you feel and there will be no need to convince yourself or anyone else.


by Trey Mitchell