Not All Bags Ride for Free

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are

And every day is a start of something beautiful

All We Are - Matt Nathanson

We all have baggage. Some have more than others. I don't think you ever get over some things but you learn how to deal with them. It is freeing to leave some things behind. Knowing where, why and how is the key.

Life is constantly throwing us curve balls. We try to keep things in perspective and under control but there are always things we can’t control. So we learn to deal with the unexpected. Sometimes the unexpected brings situations that result in unwanted feelings. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Often people in our lives disappoint us. However, you can’t change people but you can change your reaction to them.

If you have lived life at all, you have experienced the extreme highs and lows. Unfortunately, lows are part of life but we can gain strength from it. There is something heroic about overcoming adversity. It builds character. I would rather bear the load of knowledge than run with the lightness of inexperience.

I had four years that crushed me emotionally, physically and financially. I wanted to move away to start over. I thought maybe out West or even Europe. I needed to clear my head and just shed all the places and things that reminded me of the most recent and worst years of my life. But thankfully fear of the unknown kept me in one place long enough to realize that no matter where you run to the baggage goes with you. So I decided to stay and sort my life out so I could get a fresh start when I was ready. I am glad I did since it took me longer to clean the slate than I would have even imagined. You have the keys to lock away the past.

I had never been to California before and it was one of the few states I had not been to. I went two weekends back to back. The first was to Southern California to make some serious decisions about my future and the next was to Northern California to clear my head and make a plan as a result of my choices. Sometimes a different perspective allows us to see things in more clearly.

During that second weekend in California I played out different scenarios. Would it be healthy to leave my support network of friends and family? Was it smart to try to start over all on my own in a new city looking for a new job with no friends? Did I need to be alone to regain my life? Isolation is not always the answer. Why try to start over and take unresolved issues with you?

Not all bags ride for free. Think of a relationship as a one passenger plane. Yet a relationship usually consists of more than one person. There is only enough room for luggage or the other passenger. So what if there is too much baggage to leave it behind? There is always a choice and usually a sacrifice.

Be comfortable with who you are and make peace with where you have been. Forgive yourself and others. You have to release negativity or it will eat you up inside. Life is short, blame is lame. Some things change you forever but you can control if it is for the better or worse. You can choose to see things positively or not. It is amazing how resilient we have the ability to be. Experiences can make you richer than money can.

Today does not know yesterday; tomorrows are not built on what would have, could have or should have been.

By Trey Mitchell

Grab a Lighter

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about dating when I mentioned that I have issues even committing to asking a woman out. I seem to find something incompatible before I even give it a chance. My neighbors joke about how I have such high interest and in a week or less I have changed my mind. Why drive down a dead end road when you are hoping for a long drive? I have had plenty of short drives.

I do not believe in love at first sight. I think it is impossible since you absolutely do not know the person at all. I think we can instantly fall in love with the idea of that person. Possibly what we think they represent is appealing instantly. It is easy to in your head make them whatever you want them to be. However, I do believe in lust at first sight. To me this makes more sense because of what I just stated. I am not saying that something true and meaningful can not come from either situation but the odds are very slim. To get to know someone is to truly love them, the whole of them.

In many ways I have become too practical for love at first sight. The more experience I gain from dating the more time I spend analyzing. But this keeps me from getting caught up in the moment, and to fully experience things we must let go. If I allow myself to the edge I will jump, but getting me there is very difficult. I confuse myself before anyone else even has a chance to. Painful experiences in our past keeps us from taking as many chances. We learned that the boiling pot on the stove will burn our hand unless we protect it from those very elements. I may have experience, but wisdom is using that and not making the same mistakes.

At this point in my life, physical attention seems to be basic human need. I am sure if I had not had amazing experiences I would know no different. If you grow up in a third world country and have never had the privilege of running tap water would you miss it? Intimacy is amazing. What happens afterwards is complicated.

I have a friend who jokes that people pay hookers to leave, not for sex. I find some strange truth in this. When you allow your hormones to lead you into physical intimacy quickly then you skip so much of getting to know each other and there's no going back. Suddenly you're in a situation you must move forward with or get out of and if you blindly jumped in then where is forward?

This brings me to the question of how long should someone wait to be intimate with someone? One friend says possibly after the 'DTR' talk. After the 'define the relationship' talk it could go either way. Another friend told me that before sex they have an eight to ten date policy. Unfortunately, that doesn't always work since sometimes eight dates can fit into two weeks. In my opinion, that's not a long time to know someone. Everyone is different but to me setting such finite rules sets you up to fail. There is always a way to get around 'rules' if you want to. I think physical intimacy should be a turning point in the relationship not a number. After time, I think it is the defining moment that takes it to the next level.

I guess it depends on your self discipline. Personally, I have struggled with periods of discipline but I think it comes down to respect. You should always respect yourself but sometimes you must have respect for others even if they don't respect themselves. I try to measure experiences by what I have had and not opportunities I have missed. It is good to want things and I also think it is good to not always get what you want. Sometimes the best experiences are the ones you have not had. Consider it like potential; if you do not use it you still have it.

We have all made mistakes and we will make more no matter what. Making mistakes and still going forward with someone is a huge success. Most people choose flight instead of fight when they get the cart (sex) before the horse (relationship).

So is it unrealistic to believe in 'movie love'? Well, I think so. After all, it is a fabricated replica of life so it can be manipulated into whatever the filmmaker wants. The fact that 'chick flicks' are so popular is a testament that it gives many of us hope. That hope translates in to feeling good about ourselves and our future. We all want to be happy don't we?

A friend in college had her own visual analogy of love. She called it 'Hearts, stars and rainbows'. Call it fireworks, explosions, love at first sight, movie love or hearts, stars and rainbows. No matter what we call it, we are all looking for signs that represent happiness with someone else.

I am looking for explosions, not sparklers. Sure, sparkles are pretty but they are small, burn out fast and leave you wanting more with smoke in your eyes. Explosions can shake you to the core, burn your retina and make your ears bleed. They are monumental and unforgettable. In the end, to have any chance for explosions we have to at least light the fuse.

By Trey Mitchell